Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Unintelligent Falling Object

Two leggers never fail to amaze me.

Just when I think that they have reached the apex of the pyramid of folly, they build another level and continue their climb.

Their most recent attempt at summiting Mt. Duh came this weekend. The entire population of two leggers watched as one of their own climbed into a balloon thingy that was then released. This balloon thingy rose until it reached the approximate altitude of Jupiter at which point the two legger in question let go of the balloon thingy and.........get this............


And fell.

And just when you thought it couldn't get any better........

He fell some more.

 Oh yeah, he pulled a string thingy which deployed a sheet that brought him gently to the ground. And the world gave a collective gasp and applauded him.

My male two legger jumped up and yelled "This guy is incredible!"

I disagree. He was not incredible. He was simply a law abiding citizen.

He was obeying the Law of Gravity.

Big fat hairy whoop.

I admit, if he'd suddenly sprouted wings and performed a rendition of Swan Lake at 86,000 feet while simultaneously playing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony on the accordion, I may have been somewhat less nonplussed, but he didn't, and I wasn't.

Once the balloon thingy was released, the bravest step of his stunt was over. From that moment on, his options were somewhat limited. He could either fall, or he could float around the stratosphere until he was shot down over an Arkansas trailer park by a guy with a high powered rifle fearing that another UFO was attempting to abduct his dog thingy again.

Was this done for the gain of scientific knowledge? If so, what did he learn? We already knew that if taken to a great altitude and then released......things fall. If taken even higher, they fall....faster. Cats on knock knack shelves have proven this time and time again. Two leggers have launched themselves higher and fallen further and faster. So we can rule out "science".

 The two legger in question has jumped from many high places and must have already reached the same conclusions.

Did he do it because no one had ever reached that altitude? No. Two leggers have been going higher and  faster for over 50 years. So we can rule out "exploration".

Did he do it for fun? Perhaps. Two leggers often put their lives in mortal peril for kicks. They jump off bridges with rubber bands wrapped around their legs, go over waterfalls in barrels and the bravest have even been known to bathe cats.

But, I have a theory.

I believe that this particular two legger is inflicted with a certain Ivanish logic. I'll explain:

Last Winter, I began noticing that the lights in my kingdom would suddenly flicker at odd times during the day. This flickering was often accompanied by a zzzzzzzzzzzzzztt sound and the odor of singed hair. This phenomenon remained a mystery until one day when I caught Ivan licking an electrical outlet thingy in the hallway.

After he regained consciousness, I asked Ivan "Why are you licking the electrical outlet thingy in the hallway? "

"Because all the ones in the bedroom taste the same." He replied.

"Why should you care how they taste?" I inquired.

"Ummm, because they might taste different."

I considered this and reached the conclusion that it was time for a nap.

This theoretically suicidal two legger seems to use the same philosophy in his hobby of testing gravity.

A couple of days after the two leggers caught Ivan licking the electrical outlet thingies, they installed little plastic guard thingies. This put an end to Ivan's "power naps".

 The fuses were becoming expensive.


  1. Brilliant deductions, Commonster Cujo!! Your choice of a nap thingy was quite brilliant! Was there a sunbeam involved? :D

  2. omg you kill me! I still can't get past "Mt.Duh" lol

  3. I could not agree with you more.. although it sounds like Ivan might have a bit of an issue there...

  4. Hmmmmm
    peoples is totally strange. They puts boards on their feets and gets dragged behind boats and gets really wet, or slides down hills and gets really cold and calls it fun...

  5. Should we assume that cats and two leggers are equally strange?

    Hey, you still have the evil word verification which a lot of us can't read.

    1. Thanks for the heads up on the evil word verification thingy. This has now been corrected.