Saturday, October 13, 2012

Ivan's Hobby

Ivan needs a hobby.

Now that my subjugation of the two leggers is complete, his talents as an enforcer are being greatly under-utilized. Though he wakes every day at the crack of noon, bright-tailed and bushy-eyed, eager to chomp the insolent ankle or smack the sassy six legger. He often finds himself at loose ends with nothing to occupy his day.

Make no mistake, this idleness does not bother Ivan in the least. On the contrary, it allows him more time to devote to his other occupation, namely that of being a large, stinky orange rug that the two leggers often mistake for a large, stinky orange bathmat.

However, I find that Ivan is setting a new standard for lethargy. At times he is so relaxed that he would require five shots of espresso to rise to a level of consciousness where he'd be considered "comatose".

Granted, he is not completely insensate, within .692 seconds of the sound of the cupboard door opening, Ivan instantly appears next to his food bowl. As a matter of fact, two legger scientists who are trying to construct a teleportation device thingy have been studying Ivan in an attempt to discover how he is able to accomplish this.

He still participates in our nightly chaos causing escapades, but I sometimes get the feeling that his heart just isn't in it. He can still break a lamp or chew a pillow into submission with the best of them, but he seems to lack purpose.

He needs a hobby. A way to stimulate all three of his brain cell thingies.

So I promoted him.

Ivan is now the Official President of The North Whidbey Island Wild Elephant and Wild Giraffe Spotters Association (Oak Harbor Chapter). As President of the NWIWE&GSA it is Ivan's duty to spend at least 7.2 hours a day watching for any wild elephant or wild giraffe that may wander into my yard. Tame elephants and giraffes do not count. He is then to observe and report their behavior to me at once.

Those of you familiar with the Pacific Northwest may be aware of the fact that wild elephants and giraffes are exceedingly rare in these parts. They are so rare that the Washington Department of Unnatural Resources has declared them "endangered and ludicrous".

And so Ivan now has a hobby. He spends most daylight hours sitting in the bay window peering through his binocular thingies, (actually, he has no binocular thingies, but he thinks that if he cups his paws around his eyes and squints, it works just as well) keeping constant vigil.

So far he has yet to spot one. He got excited yesterday when he was sure he spotted a wild giraffe.

But alas, it was tame.


  1. Wow! now i know what Kozmo id doing!

  2. Congrats, Commonster Cujo on the brilliant title "Official President of The North Whidbey Island Wild Elephant and Wild Giraffe Spotters Association" for your Orange sidekick Ivan. I would LUV to hear his thoughts on the subject!!! (Ivan's chapter in the Chronicles was one of my favorites!)