Thursday, October 25, 2012

Cujo's Collection of Curiosities (Concealed in The Corner of The Closet)

I have noticed that my two leggers have a propensity for "collections".

My female collects glass vases and art. My male collects aviation memorabilia as well as old tools used in his profession as a goldsmith. I enjoy the female's collection due to the fact that expensive vases seem to make a much more satisfactory sound when I knock them down and break them. The sound of a Chihuly piece shattering is so much prettier than the sound of a vase purchased at Walmart. Trust me, Ivan and I have experimented with this extensively. The male's collections are not nearly as entertaining given the fact that they are mostly metal and not so easily destroyed.

I have also noticed that my two leggers are not alone in this compulsion to gather things that have some symbolic meaning to them. The talking box thingy is chock full of shows that seem to celebrate the joys of assembling large piles of seemingly useless items. Some collect for sentimental reasons. Some collect in the forlorn hope that their collection may make them wealthy someday. Some collect because of an obsession with a particular person, show or event. Some even take it to the point that other two leggers are forced to step in and hold an intervention thingy.
Alas, I am not immune to the allure of a well thought out collection. However, I restrict my collection to things that have real meaning. My collection consists of various items that either amuse me, or represent trophies of my mayhem causing activities. The other difference is that my collection is not put on display. No, my collection is kept hidden, concealed and under wraps. It is strictly for my own enjoyment. That being said, I am willing to share with you Dear Reader some of the contents of my menagerie. I shall present them according to their classification:

A sliver of glass from the very first wineglass that I broke during The Great Wineglass Massacre of 2007
A mummified mousie thingy tail from the first mousie thingy that I ordered Ivan to slay.
Eight straws that I have purloined from the female two legger.
14 dress socks of 14 completely different types that I have removed from the dirty clothes hamper. (These are not really trophies, but it confuses the two leggers and they continue to blame the dryer thingy)
Threads from the 37 sets of drapes that the two leggers have replaced since I came to rule them.

Three gray stripes that I have smacked off of Tiger Lily over the years. (see also "trophies")
Two obsolete keys that I leave out on occasion causing the two leggers to attempt to use them without success on every lock within my kingdom.
A Lego that serves to maim any bare-footed two legger that chooses to walk my halls in the wee hours of the night.
An old smoke alarm with a dead battery that chirps intermittently. This results in the two leggers performing a fruitless search for the source of the sound.
Glitter. Once glitter is introduced into an environment, it can never be eradicated. The only cure for a glitter infestation is the burning of the contaminated structure.

A dried dust bunny that bears a striking resemblance to absolutely nothing. I find this curious because like clouds, dust bunnies coupled with an active imagination can always be found to resemble something. However, this particular dust bunny defies this theory.

A hairball in the shape of Miley Cyrus. Now I know what you are thinking, it is true that most hairballs resemble Miley Cyrus, but in this case, the shape of the hairball coupled with the fact that Ivan sounded exactly like Miley Cyrus singing when he produced it made the resemblance uncanny.

But the Pièce de résistance of my collection is this:

A small picture of my male two legger when he was in kindergarten. He thought he had destroyed it, but I "rescued" it. He basically looks the same as he did when he was five. Granted, he is taller now, he has less hair and his stomach is a bit larger.

But the main difference: His mustache is much grayer now than it was then.


  1. Your brilliance is showing here, Commonster Cujo. The Great Wineglass Massacre of 2007 sounds like a mayhem quite amusing! That being said, the Pièce de résistance is THIS: "His mustache is much grayer now than it was then." How amusing!!! LOLOL :D

  2. his mustache is probably grayer due to your collections! lol. Love the alliteration in the title :)

  3. Alas, all the moving mdy peoples has done has massecured my collections. And the new hairy slobbery sister (Cinnamon) has destroyed the rest. Me is endeavoring to start a new collection, but me keeps forgetting where me has hided it!