Thursday, July 12, 2012

Leaper Colony

Okay, this is just ridiculous.

My two leggers are out of control.

Those of you familiar with my two leggers are well aware that they are a couple of "nature loving, do no harm, all creatures are sacred, granola munching, tree hugging hippy types".  But things are getting out of hand. (paw)

They are disrupting the natural order of things.

When they first started feeding the bird thingies, I assumed that they were attempting to lure the bird thingies to my yard and lull them into a false sense of security until the day that I would escape my house, wreak sweet carnage and leave the yard covered in a carpet of colored feathers and blood.

Soon, squirrel thingies arrived and my anticipation grew with each passing day. I began having dreams of slaying the nasty little tree rats and often awoke in the act of cleaning imaginary blood from my forepaws.

Then the deer thingies showed up. Though too massive to be brought down easily, Ivan and I working in conjunction should be able to take one of the smaller offspring.

It has been four years now, and I am still kept within the confines of my house.

The veritable smorgasbord just outside my window continues to grow.

I am beginning to believe that the two leggers may no longer be luring these creatures for my sake alone. I am beginning to suspect that they may have ulterior motives. It is entirely possible that they have developed a fondness for wild critters. They seem to consider them a source of entertainment as opposed to a source of nutrition.

To recap: I have watched as beast after beast have discovered that there is free food to be found in my yard. All they have to do is show up, act cute for a minute or two, and the two leggers rush out with a bucket full of seed, grain or fruit to lay upon the stumps in my backyard.

Now to the point of this post.

I awoke this morning to the sound of giggling outside my window. Looking out, I beheld a most disturbing sight.


Lots and lots of bunnies.

Apparently word has reached the land of the hoppers and now they have all taken up residence in my yard. Bouncing around MY yard. Eating MY dandelions. Laying little bunny-berries in MY grass.

And giggling.

That's the most annoying part. Bunnies giggle.

Cats meow, Ivan grunts, Jaq squeaks, Tiger Lily whines, dog thingies bark, goat thingies baa, bird thingies chirp and eight leggers snicker. These are all natural and fairly tolerable. (Except whining, but I'll smack her later)

But giggling?

I voiced my great displeasure to the two leggers regarding the infestation. They immediately ran outside and laid some carrots on the grass. Soon the word had spread and my yard was filled with happy, hopping, giggling little nose twitchers.

Even the squirrel was annoyed and sat in a tree with a look of great disdain on his mangy little face.

So once again, I find myself trying to be patient.

All it will take is a loose window screen or a door carelessly left ajar and Ivan and I will spend a fun-filled day splitting hares.


  1. I don't get it. If you can't get outside and make dinner out of these things, why can't the humans do it for you? They would save so much on cat food - look at everything that's out there, for free!

    Humans. They can't think beyond their misplaced hearts.

  2. Oh Poor Commonster Cujo. I commiserate w/you, but I have to ask you 1 Q. If your 2 leggers did not feed those critters, what would you do? Just think, you would have no more entertainment and your Kingdom would be Hollow?

  3. Hi Cujo, can I just say that as a mancat that goes outside, it's not all it's cracked up to be. There's scary stuff out there! Just saying!

    Austin >^..^<

  4. Go on a hunger strike and maybe they will let you out!

  5. How dare happiness reign in your domain?! I think your two leggers need a good whack or dozen during the night. Beware, Cujo's Smacking Paw of Awesome DOOM has a date with their faces *evil laugh*

    I don't understand two leggers either. Mine keeps saying my tail looks like a squirrels - and I think she means it as a compliment, not the highly offensive insult we know it to be!

    I too have my gorgeous man-catness locked inside except for....nay, dare I even speak of my secret shame? My two legger puts me on a *shudder* harness and lead. She'll pay, oh yes, one day vengeance shall be mine and it will be a day of such reckoning that two leggers everywhere will hear tell of it and be afraid...

    Anyway, if you do ever get out, those bunny berries taste like cr*p....just sayin'!

    With malice aforethought
    Evil Elmo

  6. Dear Cujo,
    When we lived in the city, me too had to puts up with our peoples doing that! All me could thinks about was the great munching and crunching that would goes on when mes gots out! But yous knows what, they is FAST! Start practicing your quick take offs!

  7. Cujo, most of those critters are fast, fast. Squerrl's exspecially run up trees faster that most of us run on dirt.

    We're kinda surprized you don't have possums & raccoon's strutting around like they own the place. Our Dad feeds some lost kitties, and the raccoonns come closer to him than the kitties.