Monday, March 5, 2012

Pain In The Neck

This weekend, my two leggers watched a movie on the talking box thingy called "Twilight". (The movie was called "Twilight", not the talking box thingy)

Though there were an inordinate amount of inaccuracies in this movie, after watching for 20 minutes, I now consider myself an expert on all things vampiric.

Where do I begin?

First of all, they call vampires "THE UNDEAD". I find this exceedingly stupid. By all things grammatical, by calling them "UNDEAD" you are stating that they are "LIVING".



The very fact that this story takes place in the Pacific Northwest, where everyone is afraid of negative labels and being politically incorrect, shows that this is a work of fiction. Here, they would probably be called the "pulse challenged", or perhaps "Obsessive Compulsive Bloodaholics". They would be offered counseling and employment by the Internal Revenue Service.

But no, these neck biters (the one attribute I have no problem with) go to school and play baseball at night during thunderstorm thingies. (Another fallacy given that we never get thunderstorm thingies)

Now, allow me to go back a little. The modern vampire myth goes back to a story written by a two legger named Bram Stoker. It is my theory that the Bramster originally penned this story after being awakened by his cat "Dracul" who was upset that his 3:00am snack was 2.7 minutes late. Stoker then proceeded to write a story about a creature that could see in the dark, enter or depart a room undetected, slept all day and caused chaos all night and furthermore craved two legger blood. He even went as far as to name his creature "Dracula". I believe that the only reason he never admitted that he wrote the story about his cat was the fact that he had to sleep sometime and suspected the cat would exact vengeance if he ever saw through the thinly veiled reference.

Back to "Twilight". The other main issue I have with this piece of cinematic drivel is the whole concept of two leggers suddenly turning into large dog thingies. They are portrayed as huge, fearsome, salivating beasts that lunge through the forest attacking all in their path. These overgrown dog thingies run in a pack and strike fear into all those they meet. What it doesn't show is the other, less dignified dog like behavior. Not once during the movie do we see them sniffing each other's butts, whizzing on tree thingies or getting intimate with the legs of their house guests.

I remain undaunted by the prospect of these creatures living around here.

If the bloodsuckers approach my house, I will simply subjugate them, They will recognize that I am their obvious leader.

If a pack of mutant dog thingies attacks, I will throw them a tennis ball and wait for Animal Control.


  1. I can't stop LOL. Brilliant, Cujo, Quite Brilliant. Immense powers of observation once again! Your devoted Fan *G*

  2. I agree, this is absolutely brilliant! Kudos, Cujo!

    1. Thanks Ms.A! I try to call them as I see them :)

  3. Yeah, and aren't all the two-leggers in the Pacific Northwest VEGAN or some such nonsense? Another inaccuracy.

    1. Most of the two leggers here are indeed Vegetarian thingies. My male two legger however, has decided to kick the habit and eat meat. It has been a tough road for him, but as a recovering vegetarian, he seems to be coping well.

  4. Will never view vampires the same again. All of a sudden, they are not scary at all. Now CATS, on the other hand...
    ; )