Thursday, March 15, 2012

The Palace Coup (The Hides of March)

At first, I was annoyed. Then, I was amused. Then I was annoyed again.

Now I am amused.

I may become annoyed again later.

We shall see.

For the past several days, I have been aware of a certain tension among the other four leggers that reside within the confines of my kingdom. I have witnessed furtive looks. I have heard whispering coming from other rooms. Winks, nods and even a snicker or two. When I enter a room where the others are gathered, they abruptly cease talking and disperse.

My Cujo senses began to tingle.

Occasionally, the crown is a heavy burden to bear. Being a benevolent dictator has many benefits, but it also has its drawbacks. The biggest of these drawbacks is the fact that I must always be on the lookout for usurpers. Those who would attempt to remove my crown and place it on their own noggin.

Or worse yet, those who dream of having no leader at all, leaving everyone to govern themselves, make their own decisions and bow down to no one. Just going through life, being nice to one another, no smacking, no biting, no hissing and no bleeding. Sitting in circles, singing Kum Bay Ya. Behaving like four legged hippy thingies.

I found it hard to believe that Ivan could possibly entertain such thoughts. (or any thoughts at all, for that matter) He has been my most loyal minion from day one. However, I must also admit that Ivan is easily misled. His loyalties may be swayed by anyone offering him an extra snack, or someone offering to find the rest of his tail in exchange for his cooperation.

I gave the bathroom spider the task of gathering information about this theoretical plot. He reported back to me several hours later that my suspicions were correct. Ivan, Tiger Lily and Jaq are indeed planning a coup. I graciously thanked the bathroom spider for his covert work and promptly ate him.

Generally, I find spying to be very distasteful, but this time, it proved to be quite tasty.

According to the bathroom spider, the three potential revolutionaries have decided that life under my rule no longer suits them. They are planning to remove me from power by a show of unity. They then plan to install Jaq as a figurehead queen thingy, but all will be allowed to do pretty much as they see fit. Jaq's only governing power will be to settle disputes and assign litterbox schedules.

I realize that quelling this revolt will have to be handled carefully. They are three, I am one.

Finally, I settle on a strategy.

Yesterday morning, after the two leggers left, I called a meeting of the four leggers. I announced that effective immediately, I was stepping down as their beloved leader. I had been pondering my conduct, and after watching a show on the talking box thingy that featured a two legger telling a bunch of other two leggers that they were going to a very hot place with demon thingies unless they recognized the errors of their ways, I had decided to repent and devote the remainder of my life to acts of charity and goodness. From that moment forward, I would stay my smacking paw, even when provoked. I would cease stealing everything I could get my paws on. I would apologize to the squirrel thingy and beg his forgiveness for all the aspersions that I have cast upon his character and those of his mangy... er, adorable family. The sounds of breaking vases and knock knacks would never disturb the peaceful slumber of the two leggers ever again. From this moment hence, Tiger Lily will be able to whine with impunity without fear of a cranium ringing smack coming her way.

We will all join paws and step into a chaos and mayhem free future.

By the end of my speech, Jaq, Tiger Lily, and Ivan were bawling. They begged me to forgive them and withdraw my resignation. They pleaded that I never abdicate the throne. Tiger Lily even offered to whine on demand and to never complain when I smack her.

With a great show of reluctance, I acceded to their wishes.

Once again, my crown is secure. For my first act as restored ruler, I ordered Tiger Lily to gimme a whine. I immediately smacked her and sent her scampering to her room.

It amused me.


  1. What a brilliant idea! Why am I NOT surprised? To have such brilliance must be a heavy burden, Monster and Commander.

  2. wow....we wouldn't have thought about that - good one!!! No wonder you are in charge!

  3. Bwaa! Haaa! Haaa! Yous really knows how to work the 4 leggers! Yous my hero!