Monday, December 5, 2011

Stupor Powers

Today was a particularly boring day in my kingdom.

Tiger Lily was hiding, Jaq was sleeping in a rare midwinter sunbeam and Ivan spent most of the day menacing a doorstop.

Finding myself at loose ends, I decided to catch up on some long overdue pondering.

For some time now, it has been my intention to ponder the two leggers obsession with "super powers". I have often noticed that the two leggers spend an inordinate amount of time entertaining themselves with stories about other two leggers that have special powers or talents.

This is just another example of what I have always averred:

Two leggers envy us. Their fondest desire is to be more like us. You doubt me? Let's take a moment and examine these "powers".

Super Strength- A 10lb. cat can knock over a 30 lb. table. (My two leggers will attest to this)

Ability to Leap Tall Objects in a Single Bound- duh.

Super Speed- Ever see Ivan appear when the door thingy to the food closet is rattled? The sonic boom occasionally wakes the neighbors.

Ability to Emit a Noxious Gas That Incapacitates Anyone Within a 10 Tailspan Radius- Once again, I refer to Ivan.

Invisibility- All felines are capable of this, especially when being sought by two leggers attempting to remove them from a room.

Super Hearing- Try opening a tuna can, five miles away while simultaneously listening to a Grateful Dead CD thingy and watching a political debate on the talking box thingy. I promise, you will have at least four cats at your feet in 2.635 seconds. (See also Super Speed)

Mind Control:

Breathing Underwater- Why the heck would we want to breath water? That's for fish thingies.

Debilitating Sound- Tiger Lily's whine can cause mass confusion and hysteria among all intelligent lifeforms. (Ivan is impervious)

Given the aforementioned evidence, it is obvious to me that the two leggers simply dream of being more cat-like.

One last note: Though I see no advantage in breathing water, at my next opportunity, I intend to teach this ability to the squirrel.


  1. Your Royal Highness is so wise. Go get those 2 leggers!!

  2. Huh - we knew we were superior - thanks for pointing that out. Oh - and the foster kittens would like Ivan to know that they LOVE the doorstop!!