Saturday, December 24, 2011

A Cujo Christmas Carol

I was awakened from a most curious dream this morning. I shall endeavor to describe it for you.

In this dream, I was much older, approaching the twilight of my life. It was in the evening, the male two legger had just requested that I vacate the couch so that he could spend some time in front of the firebox thingy and thaw out after taking the royal leavings from the royal litterbox. I, of course, refused his request and swatted him for his forwardness,

Shortly after the two legger left to go huddle under a tattered blanket in his bedroom, a bell began to toll. Suddenly a glow appeared at the end of the hall. As it neared I realized that it was the female two legger holding a candle thingy in one paw, and the water squirty thingy in the other.

"COOJ! COOJ!" She moaned, "Ye must repent of your evil ways. Ye must stop smacking, clawing and biting everyone ye meet. Ye must atone for your sins and use your remarkably beautiful countenance and your unparalleled intelligence to better the world and its citizens."

I reached out and knocked over the nearest vase to display my complete disregard for her words.

"Oh Cooj, ye know not what ye do." She wailed. (I've no clue why she kept saying "ye" instead of "you") "Before the alarm clock thingy wakens thee, ye shall be visited by three ghost thingies". She then giggled maniacally and ran from the room.

My first reaction upon witnessing this was to ignore her, but upon further reflection, I decided to aggressively ignore her. On the surface, aggressively ignoring someone seems identical to simply ignoring them, but aggressively ignoring someone involves more malice.

As I lay there pondering, I became aware of a presence. On the floor below me I saw Tiger Lily. My smacking paw was already twitching when it occurred to me that she had been gone for many years. Was this one of the spook thingies that the female had moaned about?


Curious, I decided that instead of smacking her, I would see where this led.

"COOJ, COOJ!" She whined, "You must follow me now". She then poofed and ran down the hallway, disappearing into the gloomy darkness of the guest bedroom.

I followed, but as I entered the bedroom, I found that it was no bedroom at all. I found myself back in the Vet's office. I stood beside Tiger Lily as she pointed at a cage filled with kittens. As we watched, a much younger version of my male two legger walked past us and approached the cage. I swung at him, but my paw passed through his leg as if it was only a shadow. Within the cage, a tiny little tux kitten climbed the side of the cage and took a swipe at the two legger, snagging a claw in his upper thigh.

"This little one shows promise." I whispered to Tiger Lily.

"Does he not look familiar?" whined Tiger Lily. "Continue watching".

The two legger then gave the Vet some money, loaded the handsome little bugger in a kitty carrier, and left.

I blinked my eyes and found myself back on my throne in front of the firebox thingy with the sound of whining fading in the night.

Vowing to lay off the organic catnip, I lay my head down and decided to nap. Once again, I was awakened by the sound of a bell ringing. It was the doorbell. The door flew open and revealed The Stephanie wheeling through the threshhold.

"COOJ, COOJ! Hop upon my lap and allow me to show you something" she spoke unto me. She then pulled out her iPad and changed her Facebook status to "Showing Cujo something- It's Complicated".

We rolled into the dining room where we witnessed the two leggers sitting down to dinner. Their faces were aglow with joy while they feasted on a ham with salad, and one of the bajillion dishes that the male two legger cooks, all of them involving potatoes and cheese. Ivan, Tiger Lily and Jaq were under the table enjoying the crumbs that the two leggers allowed to escape from their plates. Everyone was having a thoroughly delightful time. But then the Stephanie pointed to the sliding door thingy. Crouched beside the glass, staring out into the backyard, cursing the squirrel thingy, was me. I was not participating in the revelries of the aforementioned peasants. I held no truck with celebration whilst the squirrel cavorted totally unmolested in my backyard. Everyone else appeared to be enjoying themselves and the fellowship of each others company, but the crown weighs heavy and I take my duties seriously.

The Stephanie shook her head slowly and whispered "Tsk.....tsk". She then pulled out the laser pointy thingy and pointed it into the living room. I, of course, could not resist the red dot and chased it accordingly. Reaching the living room, I discovered that the scene had changed once again.......

The house was once again quiet and dark. I returned to my throne to ponder what I had just witnessed.

I was just drifting into a nap when once again, a bell began to toll. Okay, not so much a bell ringing as a wine glass breaking. I scampered into the kitchen to investigate. Upon entering the kitchen, I beheld a sight that almost caused my stony little heart to stop. Upon the kitchen counter stood Ivan. He was tangled in a towel and doing his best to appear spooky and all knowing.

He failed miserably on both counts. But I must admit that given the fact that Ivan had met his end in an unfortunate catnip mousie thingy, toilet bowl. and ill-timed flush by the male two legger incident two years earlier, I was somewhat intrigued.

"Boss......I mean COOJ, COOJ!" Ivan stuttered, "You gotta see some stuff." He then ate the last cheese doodle before jumping down and running into the bathroom. As I followed him into the bathroom, the scene changed yet again.

I found myself outside. The two leggers were standing over a hole in the ground. They appeared oddly relieved. In the trees surrounding the clearing, squirrel thingies were dancing and singing, waving tiny flags, obviously celebrating some kind of vermin holiday.

Ivan and I approached the two leggers. The male was beginning to fill the hole with dirt.The female had a single tear in her eye, the male was making sure that whatever he was burying would stay buried. As the male finished filling the hole, topping it off with rocks, a large piece of plywood and finally pouring cement over the disturbed ground, the female laid a small engraved plaque on the very top. They then ran back into the house yelling "Whoopee! It's margarita night!"

Turning back to the plaque, I read the message engraved there:

"Cujo, Gone, But The Scars Remain"

Suddenly, this entire evening made sense. My old minions were trying to tell me something. They had come back to pass on a warning.

Now I knew the true meaning of Christmas.

I awoke on my throne. I ran through the house, waking everyone and calling them to gather in front of the firebox thingy. As they all stood, heads fuzzy with sleep, I told them all of my dream and the message it conveyed. I then approached each and every one of them, my loyal minions.......

And smacked the Dickens outta them.

I'd rather be feared than loved.

It's just the way I am.

Suddenly Jaq jumped up and squeaked: "God bless us everyone!"

I smacked her twice.

To all of my minions, I wish you a very merry and blessed Christmas.


  1. Cujo! Yous Rocks! I can only kiss the feet of the master.
    Merry Catmouse

  2. Thanks Nellie! You are too kind :) Have a Merry Christmas!

  3. Have a smacking Merry Christmas!

  4. Cujo, this was way awesomer than that turgid thing that Dickens human wrote.

  5. Merry Christmas! As fellow misanthropes (an oxymoron in itself)we salute you, Cujo.
    Trish & the Kats xx

  6. I adored this but I am confused!!! Are Tiger Lily and Ivan really gone or am I just stupid?????

  7. Sorry Caren, I did not mean to confuse you. My dream is set years in the future. I assure you that all three of my fellow four leggers are alive and very well.

  8. Well so long as you are sure, then you must be right :)

    Merry Cujomas..

  9. no apologies necessary!!! I sometimes am just too literal (and too stupid!) I thought because of "A Christmas Carol" that it was probably set ahead, then I became nervous! :)

  10. Still HILARIOUS 1 year later!!! Thanks for the rerun, Cooj :D