Saturday, July 9, 2011

Sleep Disorder

Last night I received an e-mail thingy from a two legger. It reads:

"Dear Cujo, Supreme Ruler of The Universe and All Alternate Universes Either Known or Unknown, Keeper of All Useful Knowledge, Bane of Squirrel Thingies, Guru of Mischief, Master Smacker of All Things Annoying.

If you would be so charitable as to see fit to answer such a lowly two legger as myself, I have a dilemma:

The feline I have the honor of sharing an apartment with seems to have become nocturnal. He sleeps all day, only rising to eat and play while I am trying to sleep. Is this normal?

                                            I Have The Honor To Be Your Humble Minion,
                                                                       Rupert P. Floop"

My Dear Mr. Floop,
Having read your letter, I can only conclude that this is the first time that you have been graced by servitude to a cat. I assume you have spent too much time in the company of dog thingies. Since I feel a duty to your Lord and Master to educate you, I shall attempt to do so now.

First a few basics:
1. He is a cat.
2. He is not a dog thingy.
3. If you do not understand this, go back to points #1 & 2, and re-read them until you do.

Next I will answer your primary question:

The cat you live with, (you did not provide his name, so for now I will call him "Greg") is not "nocturnal". He is "Knockturnal" All cats are knockturnal. It amuses us. We have discovered after eons of research and experimentation that the hours between 12:47 am and 4:33 am are the optimal time for knocking stuff over and causing chaos. This is the time of night that most two leggers sleep, and also the darkness decreases their ability to locate the water squirty thingy in a timely manner. These "wee hours" also provide the best acoustics due to the fact that the talking box thingy is generally dormant after 11:00 pm. and therefore does not interfere with the sounds of glass breaking.

Just an example: My two leggers have switched to drinking from glasses that are usually reserved for beer. These "pint" glasses are made of thicker glass and do not shatter when striking the floor at terminal velocity. When they hit the floor they make a very unsatisfying "Thunk". Last night I was finally able to break one only by positioning Ivan's head between the glass and the floor. The sound of the glass shattering upon impact with Ivan's noggin carried very well due to the prevailing silence at 3:31 am.

As far as Greg sleeping all day, I recently read a study that alleged that cats sleep an average of 19 hours per day. This surprised me because that implies that we are awake for an unbelievable five hours per day. The study obviously did not count the hours we spend napping. Ivan is a world class napper. He once napped for 37 hours in a single 24 hour period. Napping is obviously different than sleeping though scientists have never been able to determine the intricacies of feline slumber.

I understand your desire to spend more time with a fully alert feline, (be careful what you wish for) but do not expect Greg to engage in such canine behavior as adjusting his sleep schedule to suit your needs.

While I applaud your decision to enrich your life with servitude to a cat, you are the party expected to adjust your schedule.

To paraphrase: Greg is a cat, deal with it.


  1. Mr Floop also must come to grips with the fact that he is dealing with a vastly superior being.
    And sleep deprivation.

  2. Yep, might as well bust that bubble and set them straight now.

  3. We must do all we can to educate the two leggers.

  4. Cujo, you're like the cat version of the Dali Lama. Except not as peaceful.

  5. Furry clear an xplissit informayshunz for they hoomans, kwite kind of you to rite that letter akchewally Cujo. Teh hooman shud be grateful.

  6. I'm a nocturnal just like my Cat !!! It's easier that we are on the same schedule !!! Seen any smrufs lately ?