Thursday, February 10, 2011

Love and Other Nasty Habits

Well, they're at it again.

The two leggers are making faces at each other. Blowing kiss thingies, winking at each other, whispering gooey stuff in hushed voices, and doing various sundry things when they think I am not watching.


Now, of all the two legged behaviors I do not pretend to understand, this tops the list. I have spent many hours watching the talking box thingy and from what I have gathered, these are not the normal actions of a mated pair of two leggers that have been paired as long as mine have.

According to the talking box thingy, two legger relationships follow a very common chronological order:

1. They meet, and after establishing common interest, they begin sharing meals.
2. They share more meals and then decide to share their meals exclusively with one another.
3. They decide to share a house together. (generally without consulting the reigning four legger in residence)
4. After sharing their home for a few years, they begin to tire of each other's presence and insult each other incessantly.
5. At some point during their relationship, they breed and produce offspring that are smart mouthed and irritating. These offspring are usually arrested later and go into something called "rehab".
6. Some kid named "Timmy" falls into a well thingy and a dog tricks the two leggers into saving him.
7. The two leggers eventually grow old and disenchanted with one another until the show is canceled.

My two leggers seem to ignore these rules.

They can't seem to get past stage 3.

I keep trying to tell them to move on. They are interrupting the natural order of things. By now, they should be yelling at each other on a daily basis. Yet in the four years I have been observing them, I have never witnessed a moment of non feline induced anger between them. They have never raised their voices, insulted or spouted venom at each other. Not once has the male slept in the living room. Never have I witnessed a single instance of discord.

In fact, truth be known, they have only grown closer with time.

Now, if things weren't bad enough, we are rapidly approaching the two legger holiday that celebrates love and affection. They call it "Valentines Day".

I cannot over stress my annoyance.

It gets worse.

Exactly one month after this holiday, my two leggers celebrate the day that annually marks the day that they were mated.

Please, if you are capable, send help. I may not survive all this mooshiness. Somewhere there must be an animal cruelty law that prohibits two leggers from exposing their resident four leggers to such sickening behavior.

I can tell that the next few weeks are gonna put extreme stress on my catnip reservoir. I may have to dip into Ivan's.

Think I'll go wish Tiger Lily a slappy Valentine's Day.


  1. Ohhhh my friend, I can relate. But the good thing is that they both lavish me with cuddle-love on demand,so I guess I shouldn't complain...

  2. OK, while mom cannot condone slapping your sister, the "slappy Valentine's Day" reference made her laugh. It is just us and mom, so we don't have a problem with the sappy stuff around here....

  3. *tries very hard not to giggle*

    oh my, your two leggers are just silly. How do you put up with it??

  4. Well, you could groom your bottom...that's always a distraction.

  5. Ewwwww!!! Please don't tell me that when they eat out they share the same side of the booth!!!
    That makes my Mama cringe!!!
    You can tell there is LOTS of discord in OUR house! lol
    Happy Anniversary to your Mom and Dad!!! Now....go and have a friggin fight would ya?

  6. Awwwww. I'm off to wish the dog a slappy Valentines day. Times 7.

  7. Ya, dood, I know where you're coming from. My people have been married for almost THIRTY years. And they still do nasty, disgusting, bouncy bouncy things that OHMYCOD MY EYES ARE BURNING!

    I hope you get lots of Nip to deal with the unpleasantness of it all. 'Cause it takes ALOT of Nip...