It rained today. Why is this blog worthy? Because it irritated me. Why did it irritate me? Read on, McDuff.
As a rule, rain seldom irritates me. It occasionally even amuses me. When it rains it will sometimes irritate the two leggers. They often plan outdoor activities only to have them ruined by rain. Given our geographic location, one would think that they would never plan anything that takes place outdoors. But being the incurable optimists that they are, (which I find unbearably irritating) they go ahead and plan away. Therefore when Mother Nature reaches out and smacks their plans into soggy oblivion, it amuses me.
It also amuses me when it rains because I am fully aware that the neighbor's yappy little shiver hound is stuck outside until his two leggers return from work. I enjoy sitting in the bay window, observing him sitting on his front porch shaking like, well, one of those really shaky thingies. I have even been known to chortle at this.
The reason the rain annoyed me today was the fact that the two leggers were home all day with nothing in particular planned. This compelled them to declare a "lazy day". In essence, they sat around all day with nothing to do but impede my activities. Every time I decided to torture Tiger Lily, the male would grab the water squirty thingy and chase me into the spare room until the urge had passed. I was unable to cause any damage because they were ALWAYS watching. Ivan spent the whole day on the female's lap so I was unable to mess with him. I couldn't even bird watch because apparently the bird thingies took a "lazy day" as well.
Finally I have reached a decision. I will nap. It won't amuse me, however it will have the benefit of allowing me to stay up ALL night sowing hate and discontent. They may have had a "lazy day", but their night should be somewhat more interesting.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
The Fork Fairy
Yes, I'm evil. I admit it. I revel in it. It's what I am. It's what I do.
Now many of you may gasp in disbelief, mouths agape with incredulity. But it's true. Allow me to elaborate.
I have noticed over the years that the two leggers will often leave a few dirty dishes on the counter with the intention of washing them the next morning. Invariably, this also includes a few items of silverware. One night while visiting the midnight buffet, I decided that all the silverware should be introduced to the floor. The introductions thus being made, I took special notice of the fork thingies. What drew my attention to them was that through some quirk of engineering, they slid incredibly well, and silently, on any smooth surface. Now normally I don't do silence. Silence is usually the arch enemy of chaos, but in this case it actually serves as a useful ally.
First I required a handy hidey hole in which to stash what was to become the first of many liberated fork thingies. There is a place in every house that no two legger dares to look. It is dark, eternally dirty and difficult to reach. It is my belief that two leggers are raised from childhood never to explore this space. Though it be small, it is capable of holding a remarkable amount of unsavory evidence. It is of course, "THE SPACE BENEATH THE STOVE".
Now if I were to liberate all the fork thingies at once, the two leggers would surely grow suspicious. This bit of amusement requires more patience and tact. Every third night, I would liberate a single fork thingy. After several weeks, the female two legger noticed a scarcity of eating utensils. Assuming this was the male's fault, she chastised him and then bought a new set of fork thingies. These new fork thingies however, were of a slightly different design and therefore didn't match the others. I continued my late night larceny until the lack of utensils was once again noticed. Now with the male instructed to only eat with his fingers, it was time to up the ante.
The following night, I removed one of the new fork thingies from the pit of darkness and placed it strategically on the floor below the sink. This drew no notice from the two leggers, so the next night I placed two of the original fork thingies next to the refrigerator. These were noticed and subsequently washed and placed in their drawer. Their confusion is amusing. My plan is to continue in this manner until the two leggers discover that all their fork thingies have returned to their roost. Once this is accomplished, the migration of the fork thingies will begin anew.
Now just a request to my loyal readers: If any of you are in contact with my two leggers, please do not blow the whistle on me. This has provided me with much amusement and I'd hate to have to send Ivan after your shoes.
Now many of you may gasp in disbelief, mouths agape with incredulity. But it's true. Allow me to elaborate.
I have noticed over the years that the two leggers will often leave a few dirty dishes on the counter with the intention of washing them the next morning. Invariably, this also includes a few items of silverware. One night while visiting the midnight buffet, I decided that all the silverware should be introduced to the floor. The introductions thus being made, I took special notice of the fork thingies. What drew my attention to them was that through some quirk of engineering, they slid incredibly well, and silently, on any smooth surface. Now normally I don't do silence. Silence is usually the arch enemy of chaos, but in this case it actually serves as a useful ally.
First I required a handy hidey hole in which to stash what was to become the first of many liberated fork thingies. There is a place in every house that no two legger dares to look. It is dark, eternally dirty and difficult to reach. It is my belief that two leggers are raised from childhood never to explore this space. Though it be small, it is capable of holding a remarkable amount of unsavory evidence. It is of course, "THE SPACE BENEATH THE STOVE".
Now if I were to liberate all the fork thingies at once, the two leggers would surely grow suspicious. This bit of amusement requires more patience and tact. Every third night, I would liberate a single fork thingy. After several weeks, the female two legger noticed a scarcity of eating utensils. Assuming this was the male's fault, she chastised him and then bought a new set of fork thingies. These new fork thingies however, were of a slightly different design and therefore didn't match the others. I continued my late night larceny until the lack of utensils was once again noticed. Now with the male instructed to only eat with his fingers, it was time to up the ante.
The following night, I removed one of the new fork thingies from the pit of darkness and placed it strategically on the floor below the sink. This drew no notice from the two leggers, so the next night I placed two of the original fork thingies next to the refrigerator. These were noticed and subsequently washed and placed in their drawer. Their confusion is amusing. My plan is to continue in this manner until the two leggers discover that all their fork thingies have returned to their roost. Once this is accomplished, the migration of the fork thingies will begin anew.
Now just a request to my loyal readers: If any of you are in contact with my two leggers, please do not blow the whistle on me. This has provided me with much amusement and I'd hate to have to send Ivan after your shoes.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Feline Football League (FFL)
The male two legger is excited. He is happy. He is beside himself with glee. This annoys me. Why is he in such a great mood? Football season begins today. Rah.
Every year the male two legger goes through a mental metamorphosis. Normally he is a mild mannered "live and let live" type, but during football season he suddenly begins to yell at the talking box thingy. He slathers at the mouth and has even been known to kick furniture. While I applaud his new found aggressiveness, after a while it gets tiresome. Therefore, last year I decided to observe this two legged pastime.
I am perplexed. This game seems anathema to all things feline. While the sight of two leggers bashing into each other is somewhat amusing, they are entirely too polite about it. So after much consideration, I have decided to form a feline football league. This will be exactly like the two legger game, but entirely different.
First of all half the two leggers spend their time trying to take the ball thingy away from the other half, only to politely hand it back to them several minutes later. This is not right. In my league, you will get to keep the ball thingy (actually a hamster) until you are either tired of it, or beaten into submission.
Each team will consist of one cat per side and there will be no limit to how many teams can play each game.
Many things that the two leggers consider foul play will actually be encouraged in my league. Smacking, scratching, kicking and biting are to be considered good form.
Points will be awarded on the following basis:
6 points for body slamming the team possessing the ball thingy.
3 points per poofing
3 points per lamp knocked over.
10 points if lamp should break.
3 points for causing the other team to drop the ball thingy.
6 points for killing the ball thingy.
Various points may also be awarded according to the amount of collateral damage inflicted.
No pause between plays. However, if a sunbeam should happen to fall upon the field of play, a mandatory ten minute nap will be taken. Otherwise, play will only be halted for litter box visits or replacement of the old hamster with a fresh, conscious one. The game will end only when one side gives up, the two legger brings out the water squirty thingy, or we run out of hamsters.
Every year the male two legger goes through a mental metamorphosis. Normally he is a mild mannered "live and let live" type, but during football season he suddenly begins to yell at the talking box thingy. He slathers at the mouth and has even been known to kick furniture. While I applaud his new found aggressiveness, after a while it gets tiresome. Therefore, last year I decided to observe this two legged pastime.
I am perplexed. This game seems anathema to all things feline. While the sight of two leggers bashing into each other is somewhat amusing, they are entirely too polite about it. So after much consideration, I have decided to form a feline football league. This will be exactly like the two legger game, but entirely different.
First of all half the two leggers spend their time trying to take the ball thingy away from the other half, only to politely hand it back to them several minutes later. This is not right. In my league, you will get to keep the ball thingy (actually a hamster) until you are either tired of it, or beaten into submission.
Each team will consist of one cat per side and there will be no limit to how many teams can play each game.
Many things that the two leggers consider foul play will actually be encouraged in my league. Smacking, scratching, kicking and biting are to be considered good form.
Points will be awarded on the following basis:
6 points for body slamming the team possessing the ball thingy.
3 points per poofing
3 points per lamp knocked over.
10 points if lamp should break.
3 points for causing the other team to drop the ball thingy.
6 points for killing the ball thingy.
Various points may also be awarded according to the amount of collateral damage inflicted.
No pause between plays. However, if a sunbeam should happen to fall upon the field of play, a mandatory ten minute nap will be taken. Otherwise, play will only be halted for litter box visits or replacement of the old hamster with a fresh, conscious one. The game will end only when one side gives up, the two legger brings out the water squirty thingy, or we run out of hamsters.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Disabled Vet
There was a disturbance in the force. I knew it when I awoke to the sound of the male two legger unzipping the door of the kitty carrier thingy. This could mean a really bad thing was about to happen, or a really good thing.
A really bad thing would be the two leggers taking me to the Vet. A really good thing would be the two leggers taking Ivan or Tiger Lily to the Vet.
The last time the kitty carrier thingy was brought out, it was Tiger Lily who was abducted. This amused me. But what really amused me was what happened when she was returned. The female two legger carried her in and much to my joy, she was wearing one of those plastic cone thingies. O' happy day! Ivan and I could barely contain ourselves. For the next several days, we were truly entertained. We made up a whole new genre of amusing games. Games such as:
Ring The Whiny Bell.
Poof The Conehead.
Hide The Food Behind The Conehead.
And my personal favorite: Hairball Hoops.
Alas, this time it was my turn. I was NOT amused. The male two legger spent the next half hour trying to force me into the carrier. He was quite proud of his accomplishment until he realized that he just spent 30 minutes trying to overpower something 1/16th his body mass. Bravo, well done.
We then spent the next 20 minutes on the road with me voicing my displeasure incessantly. Though I knew it would make no difference, I derived some satisfaction from making him say "shhush" over fifty times.
We arrived at the vet's office. When the vet entered the room and saw me, the look of horror on her face made me suspect that we had met before. Her stammering confirmed my suspicion. She immediately exited only to return moments later wearing heavy gloves and a fencing helmet. She then proceeded to stick something somewhere that I am sure things should not be stuck. She seemed to draw pleasure from my discomfort. After looking in my mouth (where bits of her are soon to be found) She stuck me with a needle while giggling maniacally and pronounced me "healthy".
This time I was only too happy to get in the carrier. I silently plotted my revenge all the way home. I could tell this made the two leggers nervous. As I was carried into my house, I could see both Ivan and Tiger Lily eagerly watching in the bay window for my return. Upon my release, Ivan of course gave me a thorough sniffing while Tiger Lily sulked away, disappointed that I was not wearing the plastic cone thingy.
Tonight, I dine on Italian leather.
A really bad thing would be the two leggers taking me to the Vet. A really good thing would be the two leggers taking Ivan or Tiger Lily to the Vet.
The last time the kitty carrier thingy was brought out, it was Tiger Lily who was abducted. This amused me. But what really amused me was what happened when she was returned. The female two legger carried her in and much to my joy, she was wearing one of those plastic cone thingies. O' happy day! Ivan and I could barely contain ourselves. For the next several days, we were truly entertained. We made up a whole new genre of amusing games. Games such as:
Ring The Whiny Bell.
Poof The Conehead.
Hide The Food Behind The Conehead.
And my personal favorite: Hairball Hoops.
Alas, this time it was my turn. I was NOT amused. The male two legger spent the next half hour trying to force me into the carrier. He was quite proud of his accomplishment until he realized that he just spent 30 minutes trying to overpower something 1/16th his body mass. Bravo, well done.
We then spent the next 20 minutes on the road with me voicing my displeasure incessantly. Though I knew it would make no difference, I derived some satisfaction from making him say "shhush" over fifty times.
We arrived at the vet's office. When the vet entered the room and saw me, the look of horror on her face made me suspect that we had met before. Her stammering confirmed my suspicion. She immediately exited only to return moments later wearing heavy gloves and a fencing helmet. She then proceeded to stick something somewhere that I am sure things should not be stuck. She seemed to draw pleasure from my discomfort. After looking in my mouth (where bits of her are soon to be found) She stuck me with a needle while giggling maniacally and pronounced me "healthy".
This time I was only too happy to get in the carrier. I silently plotted my revenge all the way home. I could tell this made the two leggers nervous. As I was carried into my house, I could see both Ivan and Tiger Lily eagerly watching in the bay window for my return. Upon my release, Ivan of course gave me a thorough sniffing while Tiger Lily sulked away, disappointed that I was not wearing the plastic cone thingy.
Tonight, I dine on Italian leather.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
The Felonious Paw
One of my favorite activities is theft. I know you may ask, why, when I own everything in my kingdom, should I feel the need to resort to stealing? The answer has nothing to do with need, it is simply the act that amuses me. It has more to do with the "getting" rather than the "having".
My favorite loot: Drinking straws. The female two legger prefers to obtain her hydration from glasses with straws rather than dirty bowls with floaty thingies like us civilized types. This provides many opportunities for theft and havoc.
I have several methods that I employ in the perpetration of my crimes:
1) The Cat Burglar Method- This uses my powers of stealth. I pretend to be asleep in another
room lulling the two legger into a false sense of security. I then silently stalk the victim, moving through the house using chairs and tables to provide concealment. Once I am close enough, I wait until the two legger is not looking and then make my grab using stealth and silence to make good my escape. I then lie back in my original spot and wait for the two legger to notice that they've been victimized once again.
2) The Strong Arm Method- For this I utilize Ivan. While I am curled up on the two legger's lap,
Ivan jumps up as though he is about to release his wrath upon the two legger. As the two legger reaches for the water bottle thingy, I shoot off her lap snagging the straw in the process. By the time the theft is uncovered, I have already stashed the booty in the bathtub to be played with later.
3) The Fur's a Flyin Method- This is the most complex method requiring the coordination of both Ivan and Tiger Lily, (albeit her cooperation is not necessarily voluntary). We wait until Tiger Lily is in another room, then Ivan goes in and begins pounding on her mercilessly. This
causes her to wail like an American Idol contestant. While the two legger is distracted, I de-straw her beverage leaving no witnesses.
Occasionally, the two legger won't notice that she has been had. When this happens, I like to retrieve the straw from its' hidey hole and then drop it on the floor in front of her. This allows her the opportunity to appreciate my prowess and skill.
My favorite loot: Drinking straws. The female two legger prefers to obtain her hydration from glasses with straws rather than dirty bowls with floaty thingies like us civilized types. This provides many opportunities for theft and havoc.
I have several methods that I employ in the perpetration of my crimes:
1) The Cat Burglar Method- This uses my powers of stealth. I pretend to be asleep in another
room lulling the two legger into a false sense of security. I then silently stalk the victim, moving through the house using chairs and tables to provide concealment. Once I am close enough, I wait until the two legger is not looking and then make my grab using stealth and silence to make good my escape. I then lie back in my original spot and wait for the two legger to notice that they've been victimized once again.
2) The Strong Arm Method- For this I utilize Ivan. While I am curled up on the two legger's lap,
Ivan jumps up as though he is about to release his wrath upon the two legger. As the two legger reaches for the water bottle thingy, I shoot off her lap snagging the straw in the process. By the time the theft is uncovered, I have already stashed the booty in the bathtub to be played with later.
3) The Fur's a Flyin Method- This is the most complex method requiring the coordination of both Ivan and Tiger Lily, (albeit her cooperation is not necessarily voluntary). We wait until Tiger Lily is in another room, then Ivan goes in and begins pounding on her mercilessly. This
causes her to wail like an American Idol contestant. While the two legger is distracted, I de-straw her beverage leaving no witnesses.
Occasionally, the two legger won't notice that she has been had. When this happens, I like to retrieve the straw from its' hidey hole and then drop it on the floor in front of her. This allows her the opportunity to appreciate my prowess and skill.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Litter Box Etiquette
I am often asked: "What is proper etiquette when it comes to usage of the royal litter?" OK, no one has actually ever asked me that, but it would be cool if they did, because I have many thoughts on this subject.
First of all, the litter box is the one place in my house that is both useful and fun at the same time. You can use it to mess with the two leggers as well as the other four leggers in your household.
My litter boxes (I have two) are of the type that have both covers and little door thingies. They provide privacy and room when I need a little "me" time. That being said, they also provide great opportunity for ambush. I truly enjoy waiting until Tiger Lily has just about finished her business and is considering the best method of fecal concealment, then while she is most distracted, I smack the little door thingy causing her to produce more fecal matter that will need concealing. This is truly amusing
Ivan is a master of the "Poop, Poof and Bolt". He waits by the litter box that is situated next to the computer thingy until the female two legger is engrossed in her Farmville stuff, then he enters the litter box, lays down something that is so unholy that it causes him to "poof", and then bolts from the room leaving the excrement uncovered for the enjoyment of the two legger. Sometimes the two legger appreciates this so much that it brings tears to her eyes.
My personal favorite though is the "Clean Box Fake Out". We do this whenever the two leggers are expecting guests. I know when they are expecting other two leggers because the female uses the hoover sucky thingy while the male does an incredibly thorough cleaning of both boxes. Ivan and I will wait patiently until the cleaning is done and then take turns entering the boxes where we wait for a few moments and then scratch until we have the two leggers attention. This causes him to grab the scoop and search fruitlessly. Even Tiger Lily is amused.
First of all, the litter box is the one place in my house that is both useful and fun at the same time. You can use it to mess with the two leggers as well as the other four leggers in your household.
My litter boxes (I have two) are of the type that have both covers and little door thingies. They provide privacy and room when I need a little "me" time. That being said, they also provide great opportunity for ambush. I truly enjoy waiting until Tiger Lily has just about finished her business and is considering the best method of fecal concealment, then while she is most distracted, I smack the little door thingy causing her to produce more fecal matter that will need concealing. This is truly amusing
Ivan is a master of the "Poop, Poof and Bolt". He waits by the litter box that is situated next to the computer thingy until the female two legger is engrossed in her Farmville stuff, then he enters the litter box, lays down something that is so unholy that it causes him to "poof", and then bolts from the room leaving the excrement uncovered for the enjoyment of the two legger. Sometimes the two legger appreciates this so much that it brings tears to her eyes.
My personal favorite though is the "Clean Box Fake Out". We do this whenever the two leggers are expecting guests. I know when they are expecting other two leggers because the female uses the hoover sucky thingy while the male does an incredibly thorough cleaning of both boxes. Ivan and I will wait patiently until the cleaning is done and then take turns entering the boxes where we wait for a few moments and then scratch until we have the two leggers attention. This causes him to grab the scoop and search fruitlessly. Even Tiger Lily is amused.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Don't Worry, Be Yappy
I am NOT amused.
The two leggers invited a couple of their friends to my house today. As if this wasn't bad enough, the visiting two leggers had the temerity to bring along their sad excuse for a canine. Allow me to elaborate:
This canine is of the "tea cup poodle" variety. Apparently "tea cup" poodles are tiny little versions of a larger form of mutt. It is approximately one tailspan in length and the same in height.
It's eyes are buggy and it's only purpose in life seems to be standing on its' two leggers lap yapping at the top of its' tiny little lungs while shaking like Richard Simmons at a biker rally. Its' name is "Kirby" but I prefer to call it "Smackbait". It is white and according to Ivan, tastes like chicken.
Upon the arrival of this little taste of purgatory, my two leggers informed me that they expected me to be nice. Funny how they can spend so much time with me and yet know so little about my personality. Curious. I assured them that I'd be happy to "play" with the tiny interloper. I have lots of games that I'm sure would be entertaining. For instance:
Hide The Tiny Body
Buggy Eye Smackdown
Tag Team Poodle Stomp
Slap Everything That Shakes.
Name That Blood Stain
Ivan and I finally decided to play a new game. We called it "Name That Sound". Come to find out, a vase dropped on a mini-mutt's head from a height of six tailspans actually makes more of a "tonk" sound. I coulda sworn it'd be more like "thunk". Who knew?
Well, the good news is that the dog is no longer shaking.
The two leggers invited a couple of their friends to my house today. As if this wasn't bad enough, the visiting two leggers had the temerity to bring along their sad excuse for a canine. Allow me to elaborate:
This canine is of the "tea cup poodle" variety. Apparently "tea cup" poodles are tiny little versions of a larger form of mutt. It is approximately one tailspan in length and the same in height.
It's eyes are buggy and it's only purpose in life seems to be standing on its' two leggers lap yapping at the top of its' tiny little lungs while shaking like Richard Simmons at a biker rally. Its' name is "Kirby" but I prefer to call it "Smackbait". It is white and according to Ivan, tastes like chicken.
Upon the arrival of this little taste of purgatory, my two leggers informed me that they expected me to be nice. Funny how they can spend so much time with me and yet know so little about my personality. Curious. I assured them that I'd be happy to "play" with the tiny interloper. I have lots of games that I'm sure would be entertaining. For instance:
Hide The Tiny Body
Buggy Eye Smackdown
Tag Team Poodle Stomp
Slap Everything That Shakes.
Name That Blood Stain
Ivan and I finally decided to play a new game. We called it "Name That Sound". Come to find out, a vase dropped on a mini-mutt's head from a height of six tailspans actually makes more of a "tonk" sound. I coulda sworn it'd be more like "thunk". Who knew?
Well, the good news is that the dog is no longer shaking.
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