Friday, June 5, 2015

Journey Into Madness (Part 2)

Let's see, where were we?

Oh yes, we had just arrived at the vet thingy in Seattle.

However, I quickly realized that this was no ordinary vet thingy. The building was larger than any I had ever been in. There was even an ambulance parked in front.

I was carried into a large lobby filled with the smells of all sorts of animals. Performing a quick olfactory survey, I detected the scents of other felines, dog thingies, guinea piggers, mice, rats, two parrots and at least one snake (or politician, it is difficult to discern the difference). The walls were covered with artwork in bright, cheerful colors. Pictures of happy four leggers stood out in stark contrast to the very unhappy four leggers awaiting their appointments.

Well, perhaps that last statement is not entirely accurate. The felines awaiting their appointments were unhappy. The dog thingies, clueless as always, were happily roaming around, sniffing each others squatters. Tongues lolling, tails wagging, running hither and yon with complete disregard for dignity or self-respect.

Being the only cat present at the moment, I felt it my feline duty to glare at them in a malevolent manner. I considered hissing, but that only encourages them.

Finally, after wasting 45 minutes observing this lickfest, a small female two legger came out and announced that they were ready to receive me.

I was taken into a large exam room where the new two legger introduced herself as 'Chelsea" and informed me that she had the honor of being my vet tech. She opened my kitty carrier and for the first time I was able to see my surroundings. Next to the exam table, there sat two black leather chairs. In the opposite corner there lay a large, poofy doggie bed. Viewing this as an opportunity too good to pass up, I jumped onto the doggie bed and relieved myself in a most prodigious manner. Not only had I been cooped up in a kitty carrier for over an hour, but I felt it poetic justice after having been subjected to an afternoon of canine capers.

As an overt act of defiance I didn't even attempt to cover it up.

Chelsea then picked me up and placed me back on the exam table. The table was five tailspans long by three tailspans wide. Though it was covered with a soft padded mat, I could see the two cushy leather chairs. I decided that the exam table was obviously intended for dog thingies and other lower lifeforms. Chelsea initially felt that I should remain on the table, but after observing the twitching of my smacking paw, she wisely chose to conduct my examination on my newly acquired throne away from home.

Remarkably, Chelsea finished her examination with little or no bloodshed. She had a gentle and respectful manner and therefore I deemed her acceptable. With a smile and a pat on the head, she left the room.

In her absence, I resumed my reconnaissance of the room. Above the sink, I discovered a series of shelves filled with several items of the knock-knack variety. Just as I was about to "cull the herd", the vet thingy entered the room.

Dr. Alice Huang was unlike any other vet thingy I had ever met. She was not wearing hockey pads and a football helmet. She was smiling, calm, and not prone to nervous tremors like all my other vet thingies. She didn't seem apprehensive or fearful. Even my two leggers were amazed. They asked her if she was aware of who I was. She replied that she was well aware of my reputation (warnings have been posted in every veterinary blog in the state). But she felt that a new approach was in order.

"You attract more bees with honey than vinegar" she said.

I was too shocked by her fresh approach to show her that bees sting.

In a very calm and deliberate manner she quietly tucked all the doomed knock-knacks safely away. She then prceeded to conduct the gentlest and least invasive exam I have ever experienced.

Most annoying.

So I jumped down and anointed the doggy bed again. No response but an affectionate grin.

I jumped up on the counter and smacked some sort of veterinary instrument across the room. Dr. Huang just smiled and cooed "Oooh, he's a little character, isn't he?"

I made an astounding leap onto the window sill and menaced some artificial flowers! She clapped her hands together and said that she simply loved my spirit!

Where was the chaos?? Where was the mayhem? Where was the great screaming and gnashing of teeth (the male two legger can be quite emotive at times)?  Where was the water squirty thingy?

Finally, I jumped back in my kitty carrier and ordered the two leggers to take me back to my Kingdom.

Now I am not generally the type to sulk, but I admit that I had a world-class sulk going for the entire three hours it took to get home. I sat quietly in the back of the car, watching as the scenery went past the window. No yowling, no scratching and no jumping in the two leggers laps.

Finally we arrived back at my house. Ivan, Jaq and Tiger lily each greeted me with a good sniffing. Ivan was happy to see me, Jaq was non-plussed and Tiger Lily hid before I could smack her.

That night there was no peace in my Kingdom. I smacked everything smackable, broke everything breakable and slayed everything slayable.

While I am extremely thankful for the treatment that my vet thingies have administered, I fear that Dr. Huang has discovered my one and only weakness. I can accept the needles, I can take the poking and prodding, but she has found the one treatment that I simply can not tolerate.......



  1. OMC, tolerance is your kryptonite!!

  2. Snake or Politician! LOLOL (Cujakitty is also tolerant, to a degree....)

  3. Your secret is safe with me Cujo, but I suspect the vet will use it to her advantage. I hope everything went well with the visit.