Sunday, June 14, 2015

The Lord of The Rungs

The female two legger is at it again.

Early this morning she banished the male to the yard, pulled out tape, plastic sheeting, various brushes, rollers, trimmer thingies, stirring sticks, putty knives, old bed sheets and several fifty-gallon drums of paint.

Apparently, paint has a lifespan of approximately three years in my Kingdom. While the female seems very tuned in to this, the male appears to be blissfully unaware that all walls must be repainted on a regular basis. Not only must they be repainted, the color must be completely different with each application.

The process of color selection is a very complex, arcane and scientific process known only to the females of the two legger species. It begins about three months prior to the expiration of the existing paint. The female begins by rearranging the furniture within the room in question. She moves things around to various positions before deciding that the original arrangement was the most aesthetically pleasing after all.  She then pulls out the "Holiest of Holies", a large semi-portable catalog of color swatches. This catalog contains samples of approximately 15,937 different colors all with different names and shades (on a good day, the male can name four of these).  Amazingly, the female is able to discern the various shades, hues and tones of each sample. For instance, she can name no fewer than 86 varieties of chartreuse. The male, by comparison, believes chartreuse to be a French brand of motorcycle. This fact illustrates his severe lack of knowledge in both colors and the auto industry.

Once the new color is chosen, the next step is to purchase new curtains, rugs and other accoutrements to match the new color.

Now the day has arrived to begin the actual painting process. She has learned from prior experience that the best way to avoid unforeseen calamities, is to remove any creatures that are prone to cause messes or general chaos, so, with the male safely tied up outside where he can cause only a minimum of damage, and us feline types locked in guest bedroom, the female spreads out the plastic sheeting, tapes all the molding and commences to enjoy a day spent in joyful painting.

To be honest, none of this particularly interests me. The opportunities for mayhem are severely limited by her vigilance and she never allows us into the room until the paint is thoroughly dried. However, there is one aspect that I have found quite enjoyable:

The ladder thingy.

Being rather small in stature, the female requires the use of a ladder to reach the higher regions of the wall. Though she usually finishes painting by early afternoon, she requires the male two legger to return the ladder thingy to its place in the shed. Giving this responsibility to the male means that the ladder thingy will remain in the newly painted room for a span of time anywhere from a few days to several months. Often, tools that the male intends to return to the shed will slowly migrate from room to room, gradually over time reaching the living room before finally completing the final leg of the migration that terminates in the shed.

Back to the ladder thingy. Whoever invented ladders must love cats. They are a veritable playground for felines. Eight different levels reaching an altitude of 12 tailspans. The levels rise at a steep angle with a small platform at the top. Made of wood, it is perfect for clawing and provides great traction for climbing. The opportunities for ambushing are endless. The uppermost level works wonderfully as a platform from which pouncing is optimized. "Death from above!" can often be heard as we play upon this incredible device.

Ladders are truly the ultimate in cat toy technology.

However, I have a plan to turn it to a more nefarious use. It will take time. It will require patience. But, I know that someday it will happen. Given the male's track record, it is only a matter of time before he leaves the ladder thingy just a bit too close to the shelf that holds the most valuable and treasured knock knacks within my Kingdom.

Someday they will fall.....until then, I wait.


  1. Bless your conniving little heart Commonster Cujo.
    Just what are those 2 legger knock knacks anyhoot? ;D

  2. You get to have so much fun Cujo! In our house there is no male two legger and when the mom bean paints she puts the ladder away. Party pooper!

    Sasha, Sami, & Saku