Thursday, June 25, 2015

Cryptic Chaos

The two leggers are fascinated with mysteries.

All mysteries......

Not just the typical whodunnit, somebody done went and kilt somebody else type mystery. They are interested in anything that makes one scratch their head thingy and wonder "What could it mean?".

One type of mystery that they love involves "cryptids". Cryptids are basically a class of critter that are suspected of existing despite the lack of any tangible evidence. Anytime there is a strange sound in the woods, a shadow on a roadside or a dead cow found in a field, someone steps forward and claims that there is a cryptid on the loose.

These shy monsters vary greatly in size and form, from the small, dog thingy-like Chupacabra of the American Southwest, to the huge, aquatic critters of Lake Champlain and Loch Ness. There are also an inordinate amount of hairy two legged cryptids like Bigfoot, Sasquatch, the Yeti, and Howard Stern.

 Every single sighting of a cryptid involves at least one of three common traits:
 1. A grainy photograph that could be interpreted as either an animal walking upright or a large, mobile vegetable, possibly of the tuber variety.
2. An eyewitness who invariably speaks with a Southern accent and could also be interpreted as either an animal walking upright or a large, mobile vegetable (though probably not of the tuber variety).  
3. Consumption of alcohol, recreational pharmaceuticals or bad sushi.

Now the reason I bring this up is simple.......

Two leggers spend bajillions of dollars to mount expeditions to remote locales in search of these elusive creatures while totally ignoring the cryptids that live in their very own households and back yards. Mysterious beings stalk and cavort throughout the night within a knock knack's throw of the blissfully sleeping two leggers. They are found in every society, in every country and upon every continent on Earth.

After an exhaustive, catnip-fueled, sleepless period of research lasting several minutes, I have collected several examples of such "domestic cryptids".  In my Kingdom alone I have discovered no fewer than four such beasties.

Evidence exists of a mysterious beast that frequents bathrooms in the still of dark, moonless nights. Quietly, it stalks from shadow to shadow until it spots its natural enemy.......the toilet paper roll. Then with silent ferocity it attacks, shredding its helpless (but extraordinarily soft and absorbent) prey. The Potty Paper Shredditator (PPS) leaves nothing but torn and mangled detritus in its wake. For many years, this was blamed on a species of over-caffeinated hamsters, but recent forensic studies have been released that indicate feline activity may be responsible. Some researchers have begun to suspect that the PPS may be adapting to human encroachment upon its habitat and migrating to the kitchen where it finds larger, more robust prey in the form of huge rolls of paper towels.

Another domestic cryptid had been reported in the Pacific Northwest region of the United States. It appears to be a very localized phenomenon restricted to the Puget Sound area. The only evidence that it exists is the sound the it makes. The  call of the North American Whinebeast (NAW) can be heard at all hours. The irritating sound it produces can defeat even the most state-of-the-art of sound-reduction technology. When the NAW is in full throat, those within its audible range find it impossible to concentrate on even the simplest of tasks. Those who hear the sound are often filled with an inexplicable rage and irresistible urge to strike the nearest gray tabby cat. little is known about the NAW owing to the fact that the scientific community at large find the subject too annoying to study.

Probably the strangest domestic cryptid is the mythical "Butter-Licker". Not to be confused with the "Common Butt-Licker", which is simply any dog thingy that has ever roamed the Earth (usually in circles, aimlessly looking for a potty spot). Butter-Lickers are fairly common and have been reported in most societies where butter is regularly consumed. It is known by many names. In France it is known as "Zee Beurre L├ęcher". In Germany, it is called "Buttenlickenbeest". In Arkansas, it is "Thatdangcritterwhatsbeenlickinthadangedolebutteragin".

As its name suggests, the Butter-Licker is drawn to any butter or margarine products that may have been carelessly left out in the kitchen overnight. popular theory suggests that the butter does not serve as a food source because the butter is never fully eaten. It is simply licked enough to make it unsuitable for human consumption. Often, particularly slippery barfies are found for several days after the visitation of a Butter-Licker.

Oddly enough, Butter-Lickers are not to be found in Canada. However, a cousin of the Butter-Licker seems to exist. The Maple-Muncher behaves in a very similar manner and is the only creature on Earth that Canadians have been known to be rude to.

There are many other domestic cryptids that I could write about. However, I have just heard the sound of the NAW and Tiger Lily needs smacking.


  1. You are quite a character ComMonster Cujo!! *Salute*
    I have soft spot for the NAW..after all, she does have a good excuse for the whining. ;)

  2. Goodness Cujo, I had no idea there were so many cryptid in this world...though I must admit it's a new word for me. BTW, the Maple munchers live in the eastern provinces of Canada, mostly in the French part of Quebec which would likely make them Maple Croquers...but I don't speak French either. :)