Monday, March 17, 2014

The Sainted Truth

Another two legger holiday is upon us.

This one is called "St. Patrick's Day".

From what I can tell, this holiday involves two leggers suddenly suffering a mass delusion that they all share a common Irish ancestry. It requires that they adorn themselves with green clothing and consume anything even remotely beer-like.

They say that curiosity killed the cat. In this matter I assure you that I am destined to live a VERY long life given the fact that I am without a doubt, 100%, certifiably, completely, totally and irrevocably the total opposite of curious about St. Patrick's Day. I could live another twenty years happy in the knowledge that I have absolutely no knowledge in regards to this holiday.

However, I do feel a certain responsibility to educate my minions and have decided to spare two or three minutes of my invaluable nap time to thoroughly research this subject and enlighten my readers.

This is what I have discovered.

St. Patrick's Day was originally celebrated by Irish immigrants to commemorate a two legger priest named Patrick Stewart who drove the Borg out of Ireland in the late 1980s. The Irish are generally a fairly amiable lot with a "live and let live" attitude, however they found the Borg to be completely unreasonable companions since they kept assimilating the sheep and never offered to buy a round at the local pub. Sir Patrick Stewart heard the pleas of the locals and drove the Borg from the Emerald Isle.

The Irish are not the only culture to celebrate saints.

In Canada, they began celebrating "St. Gretzky Day" after Wayne Gretzky drove Americans completely out of the sport of Hockey. He originally invented the sport when he introduced the idea of adding sticks and a puck to the weekly event of "It's Saturday, Let's All Go Out On The Ice And Fight for a Couple of Hours".

In Seattle, they celebrate "St. Juan Valdez Day" after Columbian coffee farmer, Juan Valdez who drove out anyone caught ordering decaffeinated beverages. They were driven to Oregon where they now sell chainsaw carvings, Birkenstock sandals and ugly sweaters.

In Arkansas, one the most popular holidays is "St. Bubba's Day". St. Bubba didn't drive anyone out of Arkansas, however he was driving his '57 Chevy when the steering went out causing him to drive in counter-clockwise circles for five hours. After the first hour, several of his buddies took notice, thought it looked fun and joined him thus inventing the sport of NASCAR.

One final note about St. Patrick: After being driven from Ireland, the Borg settled in America where they found their natural calling in politics.


  1. I cannot see what I am typing through the tears of laughter!!
    I learn something new with every blog entry, ComMonster Cujo!! ...and I cannot get the image of that '57 Chevy down there in AR going round in circles, backwards...LOL!

  2. Even though I'm a Canadian kitty, I don't celebrate this St. Gretzky Day of which you speak. Although... "It's mornin' let's all do the whappy paws" sounds like an EXCELLENT reason to celebrate, for sure.


  3. We sure appreciates your edumication of our mom bean. She knows nuthin'!

    Sasha, Sami, & Saku

  4. Nope Cujo, me has to disagree, the Borg settled in Canada and their leader is Steven Harper (the Canadian Prime Minister) has yous ever seen him talk?
    Now all the rest me KNOWS is true!

  5. Another good laugh brought to us by Cujo. It was amusing, until you got to Nascar…that's been the snorting noises started coming from Mommy. You hit the jackpot with that one. Thanks for our morning belly laugh! XO, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Jo