Friday, January 31, 2014

The Superdull

Judging by the antics and behavior of my two leggers, specifically the male, it appears that another important sporting event is imminent.

Considering the time of year and the sudden donning of blue, green and silver apparel, it would seem that the Seattle Seahawks are headed to the NFL Championship Game.

I am totally underwhelmed.

I am beyond underwhelmed.

In fact, after studying the sport, I feel I am incapable of being whelmed at all.

In the early days of my blog thingy, I once discussed the two legger sport of "football" and how we feline types play our own version. (See FFL-Feline Football league) But after pondering this topic further, I have decided that it is time to offer my expert advice to the two leggers on how to improve their sport and make it more desirable to a larger audience.

While the two leggers consider football to be an extremely violent sport, I find that by feline standards, it rates somewhere above a good tabby smack and slightly below a tea party with Miley Cyrus and Charlie Sheen.

Let us now examine a typical football play:

The two color-coordinated teams stand in a line facing each other. One of them then tosses the ball between his legs to another player who proceeds to run around avoiding the opposing team who is trying to knock him down. At this point, the player has a choice of either throwing the ball to another player, handing it to another player, or keeping it and running away with it. In the meantime, the opposing players are trying to prevent him from accomplishing any of these actions. Once they catch him or whoever he has transferred the ball thingy to, they throw or drag him bodily to the ground.

Now, all this is fine and good. However, after having "tackled" the guy with the ball thingy, they all jump up, slap each other on the hindquarters and then run back to their teammates and repeat the entire process.

First of all, if they must stand in a line facing each other, they should be allowed to hiss, spit and smack each other a few times before the action starts.

Any player that touches the ball thingy should be allowed at least ten seconds to bat it around, rub it on his cheeks and bite it if he so wishes.

All flags thrown by the referees should be pounced upon, chewed into submission and then barfed upon and then placed somewhere an unsuspecting two legger may step on the soggy mess in the middle of the night.

Finally, I find the entire conclusion of the play ridiculous. Once you take down an opponent, you do not jump up, pat them on the butt and send them on their way! Any player tackling another player must be allowed to grab their head thingy with both paws, bite their neck and kick them repeatedly with their hindpaws in an effort to eviscerate them. 

In the last few weeks I have written several emails to the NFL Rules Committee offering my services in improving their game. I have called them on the phone thingy and even attempted to "Skype" with them.

I am hopeful.

Though they have not responded to me directly, I believe the restraining order they just enacted shows that they are at least listening.


  1. You are a wise young cat, Cujo!! This amused me very much: "All flags thrown by the referees should be pounced upon, chewed into submission and then barfed upon..." I Concur!! LOL!

  2. Incapable of being whelmed at all! That is the most awesome sentence I've read all day! I am so totally going to use that at some point! MOL
    I think your improvments to the game should become standard. Of course, the humans here still wouldnt watch it. Hope your humans enjoy themselves anyway!

  3. Well thought out Cujo! Some of your suggestions would certainly make the game more interesting for us cat people.

    I'm cheering for the Seahawks like your two-leggers, because Jon Ryan is from my city!

    Have a great weekend! You might want to stay away from the room with the television on Sunday. :)

  4. That certainly would make that game more worth watching. We think it is just another reason to nap. Our humans turned off the stupor bowl to watch Downton Abbey. Our Dad says the Seahawks/49ers Game was the real Super Bowl. Too bad his team (S.F.) lost. Purrs and paw-pats, Mauricio, Misty May, Lily Olivia, Fiona, Giulietta, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Jo