Thursday, January 16, 2014

The 300th Post Thingy: A Brief Hissstory of The Cujo Dynasty

I realized last month that I was quickly approaching my 300th post.

But I was undecided about what topic I should choose.

Over the last 299 posts, I have informed and educated my minions on a very wide range of subjects. I have invited you into my Kingdom, shared my escapades and even divulged previously classified feline secrets. I have answered your questions and even acquiesced to your requests.

When it suited my purposes.......

However, I felt that the 300th post should be something big. Something different. Something spectacular.

So I asked for assistance in choosing a topic. I decided to have a contest in my FaceBook fan club and offer a special prize to the minion that came up with the winning topic. I received many good ideas, and some may be addressed in the future, but the one that really caught my attention was submitted by Dana Sue Jagusch. She wanted  to know more about my predecessors and our affect on two legger evolution.

And so I present to you:

A Brief Hisstory of The Cujo Dynasty

First of all I should explain that my genetic bloodline is somewhat vague. Therefore I consider trying to trace it futile, impossible and furthermore, silly. However, after several minutes of research, I have discovered a thread passing throughout history of feline intervention in two legger development.

I call it my "Spiritual Bloodline".

We begin in ancient Egypt. The Egyptians were the first two leggers to be enslaved by cats. They were originally subjugated by a feline they named "Bast-et" which in ancient Egyptian translates to "Furry Little Slayer of Mice and Sandal Straps". Bast-et took up residence in the royal palace of the pharoah thingy and proceeded to destroy his furniture. The pharoah was so enamored by Bast-et's antics that he declared Bast-et a god and ordered his likeness to appear on all works of art and monuments. However, after several years of Bast-et destroying his stuff, the pharoah decided to build an edifice that was well and truly cat-proof. Thus he set his people to building pyramid thingies. Given the fact that Bast-et had not perfected the use of explosives, the pyramids stand to this day.

A few years later, the Romans met the Egyptians and were similarly subjugated. The Romans so enjoyed the antics of their feline masters that they built large arenas for them to play in and would cheer loudly whenever they would "play" with the two leggers that they were given to entertain them. The Roman Empire fell after cats made their armies ineffectual owing to the fact that they all dressed in sheets and found it difficult to defend themselves whilst covered in cats.

This led to a period called "The Dark Ages". It was so named because every time a two legger lit a candle, a cat would come along and knock it off the shelf. 

Our next stop is the court of King Henry VIII. By observing his Royal Feline, Henry realized that he could effectively rule his kingdom by doing nothing but eating, sleeping and treating his subjects with merciless obesity and stinkies...........Oops, nevermind. That was one of Ivan's ancestors. 

Napoleon Bounaparte was encouraged by his cat, Pounce de Leon, to attempt to conquer all of Europe. It all started because the Russian Czar thingy had invented a gizmo called the Openzy Kanski. The Openzy Kanski was used to facilitate the opening of cans (or Kanskis) that were used to preserve the shelf life of items such as sardines, caviar, tuna and twinkies. The invention of the Openzy Kanski was very fortuitous because for years the Russians had been collecting and storing the kanskis with no way to get at their contents. When Pounce awoke one morning in Paris to the sound of a can being opened in Moscow, he convinced Napoleon to send a letter to the Russians demanding that they share this new technology or else he would come and take it. The Czar's ill-fated response was "Oh yeahski? You and what armyski?". Historians say that Napoleon was defeated at the very gates of Moscow. What they don't record is the fact that upon reaching the gates of Moscow, his cat decided that the Kremlin had better curtains to climb and so defected to the Czar's court. Inconsolable, Napoleon turned and went back to Paris to pout.

Sometime between April 2, 1405 and July 23, 1785, my ancestors heard of a "New World" across the ocean. It was said to contain wide open spaces, new two leggers to subjugate and lots of trees. In 1492, we arrived with Christopher Columbus on board his lesser known fourth ship, The Bieber. The Bieber started the voyage as a very popular ship, but it didn't take long for everyone to realize that its compass was defective and it continuously ran aground no matter how many times it tried to steer a proper course.   

Since our arrival in the New World, we have continued to shape it to our purposes. My ancestors have influenced such notables as Mark Twain, Edgar Allen Poe and every single villain in the James Bond series of movies.

In the late 1970's a large-mouthed tabby named "Megabite" adopted an up and coming nerd and convinced him to use his nerdiness to invent a new medium where we could coordinate our efforts at world domination. Where all who visited would be bound to eternal servitude and worship for all things feline.

You, my minions, are simply carrying on a great and ancient tradition of servitude to your feline masters.

I thank you for your continued service.


  1. Yous gots the facts 100% correct!
    Should wes really let the 2 leggers know how long they have been subjigated though?

  2. That's a cool history, Cujo. It's great to learn just how long we have been running things. I wonder if the two-leggers will ever catch on.


  3. OK Now is the Time to bow down to your superior wit and wisdom, Oh ComMonster Sir!! *Salute* What a rich history you and your fellow en-slavers posses.
    I literally burst out in laughter when I got to The Bieber section of the story! LOLOL!! :D

  4. Concatulations on 300 posts, Cujo!

  5. It all makes sense now! I applaude your history lesson and have no doubt that it will soon be required learning in two legger schools so they all know why they are so enslaved!
    Congratulations on your 300th post!

  6. "merciless obesity"...ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

    ConCATS, Cujo, on dispensing 300 pearls of wisdom for our delection!

  7. You really know how to spin a good yarn! Concats on post #300. Purrs and hugs, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Jo

  8. Thanks for the history lesson Cujo. There was lots of stuff we didn't know and neither did the mom bean.

    Concats on your 300th post!

    Sasha, Sami, & Saku