Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Potty Animal

I find that the most amusing moments of my life occur in the waning hours of the night. It must have something to do with the cloaking darkness and muted sounds that pervade my Kingdom while the two leggers slumber.

Last night, just such an amusing moment presented itself. However, I found in this particular moment not just a chance for a little nocturnal naughtiness, but perhaps an opportunity to educate my devoted minions on a mystery that I am often asked to explain.

It was around 3am when I heard the familiar sound of the male two legger cursing and stumbling around in the darkness in search of the bathroom. The cursing was caused by the fact that his night vision is somewhat lacking and he had once again stubbed his toe on the frame of the door thingy once again proving his ineptitude at navigating in the dark.

I find this perplexing when I consider the fact that he has slept in the same bed, in the same room, nine feet from the same bathroom door for the last 11 years. Almost every night of those 11 years, he has awoken sometime after 2am with the dire need to visit the aforementioned bathroom and the same chain of events has transpired. He attempts to stealthily navigate his way to the bathroom, arms windmilling around his body in an attempt to find some form of recognizable bedroom landscape feature that he can use to orient himself and thus eventually arrive at his destination without waking his mate. Invariably, as he approaches the bathroom, his stub-seeking pinky toe arrives at the door frame about .382 seconds before he lets out a blood-curdling scream and falls to the floor, grasping his foot and squirming in hilarious agony.

Anyway, as I heard the results of his latest attempt at nighttime navigation, I realized that something was amiss. Tiger Lily was sleeping on her pillow next to the computer thingy, Jaq was burrowed deep in the comforter in her room and Ivan was sprawled in a smelly heap on the heating register in the kitchen. Since I was on my throne in front of the firebox thingy, that could only mean one thing:


Totally unacceptable! Completely unheard of! Simply not right! And probably illegal in all 50 states (and Arkansas).   

Now we come to the question that I am most often asked:

What is the deal with cats having to watch when two leggers attempt to use the bathroom?

There are many theories in regard to this mystery. Some believe we feel compelled to watch because we are simply curious. Some think it is that we know that as long as the two legger in question is doing his/her business, we have a captive audience, and being cats, we take full advantage of their captivity. Some have even theorized that we are fascinated by the variety of smells and odors that waft forth from the vicinity of the engaged two legger.

It is widely believed in Ireland that cats are simply stalking the "wee people".

In Arkansas, it is thought that the cats are setting an ambush for dog thingies. They wait by the toilet until the dog thingy gets thirsty and then strike when it comes for a drink.

All of these theories are exactly wrong.

The truth is actually much simpler than that.

We watch because you fascinate us.

The sounds you make in the bathroom, both voluntary and involuntary, are unlike any other sounds anywhere. The way you scrunch your faces when things become.......difficult. The way you must inspect and admire your leavings before pushing the flushy thingy.

It even fascinates us when you notice us staring at you and feel compelled to ask "What? What do you want? Why are you staring at me?" As if you expect us to suddenly say "So sorry to disturb you, I was just wondering what you were doing. Perhaps I could be of service to you while you are sitting there. Would you like a magazine or perhaps a glass of water?"

So there you have it. We watch you because it amuses us.

As far as last night was concerned, after realizing that the two legger was about to enter the bathroom unaccompanied, I quickly and silently bounded over his writhing body and assumed my position next to the sink. After he recovered from the pain of the puffy pinky toe, he slowly pulled himself up from the floor by gripping the sink. As he pulled himself up, he reached over and turned on the light only to find himself looking directly into the eyes of an amused tuxedo cat.

I suspect that he had no........difficulties "going" this time.


  1. MOL! That is too funny! Did he scream again at the eyes???

  2. "Probably illegal in all 50 states (and Arkansas)" for a 2 legger to be in the bathroom alone. LOL! You are So Amusing Cujo! :D

  3. We is amazed the other two-legger gets any sleep, MOL

    In our house we hang out 'cuz we likes the fresh water after the flush. Mom says she doesn't know why she bought us a water fountain. Always keep 'em guessing, MOL

    Sasha, Sami, & Saku

  4. Our mom does that same toe-stubbing thing all the time. Dumb. Thanks for clearing up the reason for our need to attend bathroom sessions. We thought it was 'cause that is the warmest room in the house with a nice warm granite slab atop the radiator or 'cause it was a great time for a human toe to cat tummy rub or just 'cause we like to sit on their laps. Guess we lost our heads. We should have known their was a simple explanation! Purrs and paw-pats, Mauricio, Misty May, Lily Olivia, Fiona, Giulietta, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Jo