Thursday, May 30, 2013


I am writing this post today as a warning.

There are many harmful things that two leggers both willingly and unwillingly expose their four leggers to.

Pesticides, tinsel, small thingies that can lodge in a cat's throat or intestinal tract, cleaning agents and detergents, a veritable pharmacopeia of substances detrimental to a feline's health. Electrical hazards, disease-ridden vermin, heavy objects stored in high places that may fall. The list is almost endless.

While most two leggers try to be very vigilant about not exposing their masters to these everyday death dealers, there is one danger that stands out above all the rest. It is a peril that is so pernicious and evil that most people find it difficult to even consider. It is insidious in the way that it stealthily creeps into our homes. One moment you think all is well in your kingdom, and the next moment: "KA-BOOM!" it has struck and nothing will ever be the same again.

Though it appears in many varied forms and manifestations, it can be described by one ultimately vile name:


While not necessarily a physical danger, and rarely fatal, if one is unwittingly exposed to more than 6.318 seconds of an Infomercial, permanent and untreatable brain damage may occur. Stroke, aneurism and a general babbling are symptomatic of Infomercial Exposure Disorder (IED).

Infomercials are aired on the talking box thingy late at night after all the entertaining shows have gone to bed. Supposedly, they are an attempt to sell gullible two leggers products that normal stores are unwilling to stock at prices that normal stores cannot match. In reality, normal stores are afraid of these products and do not wish to expose their customer base to them for fear of another social enemy known as "Lawyers".

The actual purpose of Infomercials is to instill aberrant and misguided thought thingies into the vast empty spaces of the the two legger's mind. These illogical ideas bounce around in the head thingy until they form a large gelatinous mass that is only capable of saying "Ooooh! I need that thingy!" and inputting credit card numbers into a phone thingy at two in the morning. 

I have evidence.

I have watched several of these Infomercials in order to gather my evidence.

Disclaimer thingy-DO NOT TRY TO INVESTIGATE INFOMERCIALS YOURSELF. I am a trained professional. I have taken precautions in order to safeguard my sanity. Before watching any Infomercial, I spend several hours numbing my brain thingy by watching reruns of Jersey Shore, Miley Cyrus, David Letterman, and American Idol.

Last night I prepared myself and then watched an Infomercial about a bracelet that allegedly realigns the "magnetic field" that two leggers generate. According to Dr. Marie Osmond, all two leggers have a strong magnetic field surrounding their bodies. If that magnetic field gets out of alignment, it can cause depression, anxiety, sterility and a craving to eat iron filings. However, if one "acts now" and sends Dr. Osmond $19.95, she will send not one, not two, but THREE cheaply made stainless steel bracelets that will straighten out any magnetic anomalies.

This morning, I decided to test my two legger's "magnetic field". Using a variety of metal objects, I attempted to make them stick to him. I knocked a tray of paper clips off of a shelf as he walked by. Though one snagged in his hair, none stuck to his head. While he was in the bathroom, I smacked a pair of tweezers that struck him squarely in the cheek. Once again, they clattered harmlessly to the floor. I was finally able to make a couple of sewing needles stick, but in my opinion that had to do more with the sharp pointy ends than with magnetism.

Later, I watched an Infomercial about a thingymajig that "slices, dices and tenderizes" everything known to man.

Save your money, get a cat.


  1. LOL! We will send not 1 thingy but 2 thingies for price of 1...BUT if you order NOW we will send you 3 thingies!!!
    P.S. We need to quit staying up so late ComMonster Cujo! (@ least w/the talking box thingy on). :D

  2. Remember how Opus loved his infomercials. We always joke when they come on about his buying a turnip twaddler. MOL. We've been sharing your posts with the humans. Mom always laughs super hard and now so does our dad. When he laughs really hard, he starts to cry. He was drowning in tears when he read "Liquor Lickers." Keep up the good work Cujo. You make the world a better and brighter place through the laughter you bring to cats and humans alike. Have a pawsome weekend. Purrs and hugs from the kitties at The Cat on My Head, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Josette

  3. Have to say that we have been exposed to these at times when our legger (Yes a long story that includes that other bane of the earth, a mini-van, for some other time) has wandered off to god knows where with the moving-stuff-in-a-flat-box-thingie left on to annoy all of us.
    What is interesting is that the bracelet-thingie has morphed from a pain device to this. Seems the 2 legs have endless complaints of little substance. Much like dogs annoying night time howlings.
    Tim T