Saturday, May 11, 2013

Recipe For Disaster

This weekend has possibly been one of the most amusing weekends in the history of my Kingdom.

You see, this weekend marked the confluence of three holidays (two minor, one major) in my house. May 10th marked my sixth birthday. May 12th is both the birthday of my male two legger (he turns 47 which in cat years equals 14,739) as well as the day that all two leggers set aside to honor their mothers.

My amusement has absolutely nothing to do with these three events.

Well, almost nothing.........

This morning, my male two legger decided that he would surprise his mate by baking homemade biscuit thingies. For those of you unfamiliar with my male two legger's baking skills, I should first explain that he has the same aptitude for cooking that bricks have for swimming. His reputation for poor cooking is so well-known that federal law requires the manufacturers of ovens to place a picture of him in their owners manuals in the "caution" section.

Back to the biscuit thingies. The male got up early and began preparing the recipe. This consisted of heating the oven to 975 degrees, dirtying four bowls before finding one the correct size and scattering so much flour around the kitchen that it looked like the Pillsbury Doughboy had become a suicide bomber. After baking the biscuit thingies for the appropriate amount of time, he pulled the pan out of the oven, placed it atop the stove and left the biscuits to cool. The fact that the pan bowed slightly as he lifted it should have been considered an omen that perhaps the biscuit thingies were not as "light and flaky" as the recipe said they should be.

The male two legger returned to the kitchen ten minutes later with his sleepy-headed mate in tow. The look on her face when she beheld the state of her kitchen indicated that she was indeed "surprised". Once she stopped crying, the confused male pulled down a plate and dropped one of the biscuit thingies upon it. As he cleaned up the shards of broken plate, he realized that perhaps something had gone awry with the recipe and declared the biscuit thingies "inedible". He then took his mate "out" for breakfast.

As soon as they left, I decided to further investigate what the male had created. As always, the first test I conducted was the "gravity test". I slowly pushed one of the biscuit thingies to the edge of the counter and let gravity work its magic. This proved most unfortunate for Tiger Lily who happened to be walking by at that very moment and took the impact squarely on her noggin. I looked down at her seemingly lifeless form and thought to myself "What have I done? Have I killed her?" She soon regained consciousness and began whining about having a concussion thingy.

 Another biscuit thingy quickly ended the whining. 

Meanwhile, Ivan had begun batting the first biscuit thingy around the floor. It seems that what the biscuit lacked in taste, it made up for in projectile potential.  This made for the best game of Hallway Hockey we have ever played. Not only did the "puck" damage everything it contacted, it left deep gouges in the hardwood floor upon its passing. After a couple of hours, the two leggers returned and the game was abandoned.

Final score:
3 vases
4 picture frames
4 knock knacks
1 lamp
and numerous dents in the drywall as well as various nicks in furniture, floorboards, etc....

Oddly, the two leggers did not seem pleased with the "re-purposing" of their breakfast. With numerous curses and much mumbling, they cleaned up the playing field and disposed of the biscuits.

Fortunately, Jaq was able to save one by batting it under the entertainment center.

Tonight we're gonna take turns dropping it on eight leggers.


  1. Hilarious!! I especially liked this Cujo: "he turns 47 which in cat years equals 14,739" LOL! Plus your female 2 legger has my utmost sympathy. Every female hates when a male enters her matter how good his intentions (wink).

  2. OMC too funny!!!! You could have used them for hockey pucks!! 975 DEGREES!? Bwaahhhhh!!!!!!
    You are only 47???? Ohhh my dear furiend, you are a BABY!!!! HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAPPY BELATED 6th birthday to YOU Cujo! You and Cody are the same age!
    Thanks for the early Sunday morning laugh!!!
    HAPPY HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to your crying two-legger!!
    I soooo wish you were coming to BlogPaws!

    1. Thanks Caren! I too wish I was at BlogPaws! I am hoping to make it next year! I hope you enjoy it!

  3. You've raised "dead-pan" to an art form, Cujo! :)

  4. That must have been an epic game. We're sorry to have missed out.

  5. OMC! That musta been something to see! Next time get it one video...oh, that's right...there probably won't be a next time! ;)

    1. I have thought about filming our antics, but there is a word thingy for that: "evidence".

  6. Happy Birthday Cujo, and to your male two-legger too! Your female two-legger has our mom's sympathy as she's seen similar results when her children tried to be helpful too. Now they stick to making coffee and feeding us, MOL.

    Sasha, Sami, & Saku

    1. Thanks S,S &S!
      The kitchen is almost back to normal, but it won't last :)

  7. Well it sounds like a fun time was had by all except the two leggers.
    Ever as it should be.

    1. Hehehehe, two leggers do not need fun, they have us!

  8. You lucky kitties. Our Dad makes biscuits, but they are so nummy and not the least bit puck light that the humans eat them all. We wish we had some to bat around and play with. Happy 6th birthday Cujo. No party or celebration for you? Purrs and hugs from the kitties at The Cat on My Head, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Josette

    1. My male's biscuits are now considered "weapons of mouse destruction". :)
      Thank you for the birthday wishes. No celebration was necessary, every day is a party when you're a cat.