Sunday, March 24, 2013

Ew Naturale

This morning at 9am the Winter rainy season ended here in the Pacific Northwest.

The Spring rainy season is scheduled to begin at 4pm today and will last until July 2017.

Accordingly, the two leggers proceeded to throw open every window in my house. They then donned shorts and T-shirts and exited via the sliding door thingy, skipping, prancing and dancing through my backyard. After almost breaking their ankles on the numerous branches and limbs that had fallen during the long cold Winter, they decided that some yard maintenance was in order and changed into some more work-appropriate attire.

In their glee at finally spotting the sun, they neglected to fully shut the sliding door thingy.

I have always known that someday this would happen. It was just a matter of time and patience. Every day for five long years, I have watched. I have bided my time. I have been careful not to give any indication that I had any inclination to go outside. Quite the opposite, I have always exhibited a particular disdain for all things exterior. Oh sure, I curse the squirrel thingy from my window. I hiss, chitter and growl at passing bird thingies. But I never show even the slightest interest in joining them.

It has all been part of my plan.

The two leggers have grown lax. They no longer suspect that I may someday wish to commune with my outside minions. They think I have grown soft. They believe that I have become complacent in enforcing the Law of The Paw when it comes to my kingdom beyond the windows.

They are mistaken.

So today when they came inside to don their "work clothes", they left the sliding door thingy open.

Through the opening, I could see the entire backyard waiting for me. As I walked out onto the back deck, a hush descended upon the place. The bird thingies ceased their singing, the goat thingies stood gazing in wonderment. The squirrel thingy who had been frolicking near the bird feeders froze in abject terror. The silence seemed eternal. The tension was exquisite.

The stillness was suddenly broken by a large orange mass of stinky aggression that flew past me on its way to attack a rock. Ivan decided a few weeks ago that the rock in question must be a bunny. I've tried to explain numerous times that it was simply a rock in the yard, but Ivan was not to be fooled. He heard once that bunnies were masters of camouflage and deduced that since the rock looked precisely and exactly how a bunny would never look, it must surely therefore be a bunny in disguise. I find it difficult to argue with such iron-bound logic and decided to let Ivan slay his rock.

Meanwhile, Jaq jumped into the box where the two leggers keep their firewood and started singing a John Denver medley. Tiger Lily, fearing being smacked by a variety of woodland creatures, decided not to venture out and simply stood in the door way threatening to tattle on us.

Having paused dramatically on the deck, allowing all to bow to me, I felt it was time to tour my new territory. I stepped slowly and regally from the deck and made an extremely distressing discovery:

Grass is squishy.

I don't do squishy. Hairballs are squishy, but I don't walk on hairballs. Walking on hairballs is something two leggers do. I leapt back onto the deck and reached the decision that I would continue to rule my kingdom from the window.

It was at this point that the two leggers appeared and after much exclaiming and waving of arms, escorted me back into my house. Though confused by Ivan's assault upon the rock, they brought him back inside as well.

Overall, I would say that it was a successful foray.

However, I can safely say that Ivan has decided that bunnies are not to his liking. It seems he finds them too hard to digest.


  1. Cujo, you delight me with your words! Don't ever stop, oh master.

  2. Hey Cujo! I LUV your math and if you gave the grass another chance in a month or so, I am sure it would be more to your liking!! P.S. I can see the 2 leggers waving their arms! *giggle*

  3. OMC soooo funny! I don't "do squishy" either, I never go outdoors!!! I DO get into a good John Denver song now and again! Love, Cody

    1. Squishy is bad. I believe I will leave it to others :)

  4. Brilliant post dear, keep up the good work.
    Pet Urn

  5. Quite an adventure you had. We have a screened deck and go out almost whenever we want if it is warm enough. However, it snowed 5 inches yesterday! Hope you'll drop by and meet us sometime. Purrs and hugs from the kittes at, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Josette

    1. I just visited and I love your blog thingy! I will put a link to it on here!

  6. What an adventure! We thinks you is a very smart kitty Cujo, you keep them two-leggers guessing, MOL

    Sasha, Sami, & Saku

    1. Thank you Sasha, Sami & Saku! My two leggers are pretty easy to fool :)

  7. SQUISHY GRASS! Yuck! That is awful! That is what yous gets for living on the WET Coast! We has had noce sunny afternoons amd me has quite enjoyed basking in the sun puddles - the outside air is not yet 70 degrees.
    Excellent foray! Me complements yous on your fortitude to stay where it is not squishy.

    1. Thanks Nellie! We too are finally getting some beams! But the squishyness remains. I'll send Ivan to check it tomorrow. :)