Saturday, September 1, 2012

Veterinarian Affairs

As I mentioned in my FaceBook Fan Club, I went to see the vet thingy yesterday.

It was not my intention to write a post about it, but in retrospect, it was simply too amusing not to blog about.

For those Fan Club minions who are already aware of this, please consider it a review.

For those Fan Club members who are not aware of this, your inattention miffs me.

Anyway, I became aware that the two leggers were plotting behind my back when I received a post card from the vet thingy on Thursday. It was a picture of the vet thingy and his entire staff dressed in hockey pads, motorcycle helmets and welding gloves. They were also armed with tranquilizer darts and what appeared to be one of those "tazer" thingies. The card read: "We THINK we are ready for Cujo's appointment."

I found this somewhat surprising given the fact that I had never actually met this particular vet thingy, nor had I ever been a patient at his clinic. The mystery was soon solved when I overheard the two leggers talking about my former vet thingy referring me to this new clinic after my last visit.

Apparently my former vet thingy closed her practice after my last visit and chose to go back to the U.S. Army where she felt that her life would be safer and less chaotic serving in Afghanistan. However, before deploying, she felt it her duty to "advise" her successor on the best way to deal with small, unassuming tuxedo cats.

It was a slow day and I was curious, so I allowed myself to be placed in the kitty carrier and driven to my appointment. Ivan was worried, but I assured him that vet thingies do not intimidate me. Quite the opposite, I intimidate them. "Fear not my rotund, odiferous friend, I shall return and I assure you, I will never don the plastic funnel of recovery." I told him.

I arrived at the clinic and was immediately escorted into a private room. I felt that it was a bit excessive that they asked my two legger to bring me in through the back door, bypassing the waiting room completely, and quite frankly the SWAT team attempting to conceal themselves in the potted plants was just ludicrous, but if it made them feel better, who was I to question?

I quickly decided that a more subtle plan of attack was called for. They were obviously well prepared and a full frontal assault would only lead to massive bloodshed....


As my two legger carried me into the exam room, a voice came over a loudspeaker and said: "Put the carrier on the table, unzip the top and step away slowly."

My two legger did as he was told.

I instantly jumped out and proceeded to clean myself. This apparently startled one of the staff as evidenced by the tranquilizer dart that passed over my head and lodged in the wall behind me. I ignored the dart and continued my grooming. Finally, after fifteen minutes, I curled up on the table and pretended to nap. Another five minutes passes and I heard someone stealthily entering the room. Still "playing possum", I allowed the vet thingy to reach out and tentatively touch me.

I acted startled and stood up.

After spending 30 minutes under the exam table, I was able to coax the vet thingy out long enough to continue his examination.

I continued to play the part of "sweet wittle putty tat". (though it sickened me greatly) My strategy relied on convincing him that the rumors of my dangerous disposition were totally unfounded. Unfortunately, I may not have been as successful as I wished. I fear that he may have seen through my little charade.

As my two legger paid for my visit, I overheard the vet thingy referring him to another, ANY other, vet thingy.


  1. Hilarious!!! Your reputation seems to be quite pristine, Commonster Cujo!

  2. one vet at a time..

    btw, did you know you have word verification on?

    1. Hehehehe, striking fear in the hearts of vets for 5 years now :) As far as word verification, I leave that on in case of bot thingies.

    2. hahaha yes, I love how it asks me to prove I'm not a robot!!

      Love the digs at Ivan and the fear you've obviously struck in the hearts (and bowels) of vets far and wide. Although, I did think their attempts at body armour laughingly pitiful considering your capacity for destruction!

      My two legger went to the human-vet thingy last week - why didn't she have to wear the "plastic funnel of recovery"? lol

      With malice aforethought
      Evil Elmo

  3. Cujo, we also have a persona created especially for us by Quentin Tarantino. Guinea Pigs: "Awwwwww, they're so CUTE!" Are We? Are We Really?
    "OWW! IT BIT ME!"
    "My little sweetie BIT YOU?"
    "No, oh, it's nothing. Oh, is he hiding? Come on out, YumYum, you're such a - OWWW!"
    At which point mom hands her the name of her own hand surgeon. She knows us well.
    BTW, did you see the winner of the People's Choice Award (over 10,000 entries) at the Walker Art Museum's First Internet Cat Video Festival?
    He was local. He was you, wasn't he?

  4. Hey, Cujo! I need a fix of mayhem! u ok? Probably busy ruling your empire.

    With malice aforethought
    evil elmo

    1. I shall comply. I've been finishing my second book thingy and have neglected the blog thingy. I will rectify this oversight immediately!

    2. Purrfect! Thanks, Cujo! I just wanted to make sure you were ok. Happy to hear your next domination of the publishing industry is imminent!!

      I usually hurl insults, not accolades, but you know I think you're a mad genius....and they're the best kind!

      With no malice in sight ;)
      Happy to tip my imaginary (yet utterly fabulous) hat to your greatness.

      Evil Elmo