Thursday, August 23, 2012

Bowled Over

Ivan is annoyed.

Of course this is nothing new for Ivan. Ivan was born annoyed. I have it on good authority that when he was born, he came out and immediately bit his mother on the leg because she interrupted his in utero nap.

Even though Ivan is often annoyed, he seldom stays annoyed for any great length of time. It is not that he doesn't hold grudges, it is the simple fact that he quickly forgets why he was annoyed in the first place.

Which annoys him.

But this time it is different. Ivan has now been annoyed for a full week.

What could have angered Ivan to this degree?

His food bowl.

That's right, Ivan is angry with his food bowl.

It is a mystery. We don't know what the food bowl did to deserve Ivan's ire, but whatever it was, it must have been unforgivable. For the last week, Ivan has totally ignored it. This is unprecedented. I have never known Ivan to ignore any food bowl, especially if it contains even a molecule of food remaining in it. The food bowl has always been Ivan's dearest friend. He whispers endearments to it when he thinks no one is listening. Given the option, Ivan would rather lose a paw than give up his food bowl. (Ironically Ivan did lose a paw once, but later found it in the litter box where he had inadvertently buried it.) So for Ivan to snub his food bowl was a truly curious development.

At first I thought he was simply off his feed. Perhaps his ample tummy was bothering him. Maybe he'd eaten something that disagreed with him. Ivan eats most things that disagree with him. In fact, the quickest way to get eaten by Ivan is to disagree with him.(As most widowed eight leggers will attest.) However, I noticed that Ivan was still eating regularly.

He just wouldn't eat from his own bowl.

There was nothing different about his bowl. It was the same bowl he had used for the last four years. It is round, (duh) maroonish in color and it has a cartoon picture of an orange tabby in the bottom with the words "Cool Cat" printed in colorful letters. It has not changed location since 2009. It is regularly cleaned and we are fed the same food that we have been fed since 2008.

How could it have possibly offended him?

Being a cat, I am required by the Federal Curious Cat Statute of 1823 to be curious about all things. This law was passed early in the 19th Century when the townsfolk of Peedunken, Pennsylvania suddenly noticed that most of the feral cats in town had become decidedly uncurious thereby disrupting the natural order of things and causing rumors of witchcraft, paganism and other tendencies often associated with squirrels.

I observed Ivan for several days. Even under close scrutiny, Ivan gave no clue as to what could have caused the estrangement from his food bowl. I decided that this had gone on entirely too long and it was time take extreme measures.

I was going to have to perform that most undesirable of activities. To proverbially soil my paws. To perform an extraordinarily distasteful duty. No matter how I wished to avoid it.....

I was going to have to talk to Ivan.

If you have ever been required to have a conversation with Ivan, you understand.

Just saying "Good day" to Ivan can cost you 50 IQ points. Ivan is a furry little black hole thingy that sucks intelligence from normally smart people where it disappears, never to be seen again. Proof of this can be seen in the male two legger who speaks to Ivan often.

Finally, I approached Ivan.

"O' Lumpy One, why are you angry with your food bowl?" I asked.

"That's not my food bowl." he replied. "The kitty in the bottom is standing on its head and the words are in a foreign language"

I reached over and turned the food bowl 180 degrees.

Ivan is amazed. He almost broke down in relief now that his food bowl has been repaired.

Now I can claim "Food Bowl Repair Technician" to the long list of talents in my repertoire.


  1. HILARIOUS... where may I read the Federal Curious Cat Statute of 1823? Commonster? Once again, you amuse to the limit...Thanks, and CujaPatria thanks you as well!@!!

  2. hahaha - Cujo, we bow to your awesomeness!!