Thursday, August 16, 2012

The Un-Painted Lady

Pondering the two leggers once again.......

For the last week, the female has been laboring away on my back deck. The male on the other paw, has been watching her.

This is most unusual.

Those who know my two leggers are aware that they are inseparable. They always work together whether it is at home or at their vocation. If one is mowing my yard, the other is pulling weeds in my yard. If one is doing the dishes, the other is doing laundry. If one is cleaning the Royal Litter, the other is supervising the cleaning of the Royal Litter.

Today was different.

The female was on the back deck painting it brown. The male was inside advising her to drink more water. According to the talking box thingy, this is generally considered deplorable behavior on the part of the male two legger. However, it quickly dawned on me that he was not helping her by her own request. This became apparent to me after the third time that she said to him: "Doug, put that brush down and step slowly away from the paint!" This was delivered in the same tone of voice that she uses when she says: "Doug, one gallon of lighter fluid on the charcoal is more than sufficient to start the grill."

I investigated this strange affair and discovered that the male dislikes painting greatly. When he and the female first became paired, they decided to re-paint the interior of my house. Living by the philosophy of : "If you do it wrong the first time, you'll never have to do it again" he made a total mess of the job.

That's HIS story.

I disagree. I think he is attempting to hide the fact that he suffers from Acute Psychromopigmentatosis. This very rare condition causes any non-dried paint product to be attracted to the sufferer and thereby spread, smeared and splattered across any surface that is not intended to be painted. Most victims will naturally grow out of this condition upon completion of kindergarten. However, in some extreme cases, they may find themselves afflicted for their entire lives.

Early in their marriage, the female realized that the male was afflicted with AP and decreed that he would never again be allowed in the vicinity of even slightly damp paint.

In spite of her vigilance, by the time that the painting of the deck was completed, there were no fewer than 12 footprints (male, two legger, size 9) in the paint. The male, who had not come within 20 feet of the paint can, was covered in chocolate colored gooiness and banished to the tub thingy with a bottle of turpentine.

The female remained unspeckled. Not a drop of paint upon her entire body.

She plans on painting the front deck this weekend.

She also gave the male an all expense-paid golfing vacation to Florida.

For this weekend.

Coincidence? I think not.


  1. What was your contribution, Commonster Cujo? Supervisor? Boss? or maybe Chief Sunbeam-Napper?

  2. I think the Man here must have he same thing. When painting is to be done, it's done when he's off at work passing gas or asleep. Curious, now that I ponder it...

  3. Upon further ponderance, we conclude that the two legger should ALSO be supervised if holding golf clubs in the vicinity of any other living creatures, including Bigfoot.
    Thank you.

  4. Hmmm, me alwats wondered...the whys of splattering, now we knows! Thanks yous Cujo