Sunday, August 12, 2012

Executive Decision

Once again, many of my minions are encouraging me to run for President of The United States.

Once again, I must respectfully decline.

Although I am extraordinarily qualified to lead this country, (as well as all the others) my particular form of leadership may not sit well with citizens that enjoy living in a "democracy" thingy.

Since many of my minions live in other countries, I will now explain how our government works. (Heheheehehheehe, seeing the words "government" and "works" in such close proximity always makes me chuckle)

We have three branches of government:

1. The Legislative Branch- This consists of two groups of two leggers. There is the larger group called the "House of Representatives". They are a bunch of people that were deemed unfit to stay in their own states and were therefore banished to Washington, DC to sit in a big building called "The Capitol" and do nothing but belittle each other. They are experts in "Financial Linguistics". "Financial Linguistics" is the art of using $100 words to express $5 ideas. The second group in the Legislature, known as the "Senate" does pretty much the same as the first, but there are fewer of them and they use bigger word thingies.

2. The Judicial Branch- This is a group of two leggers that, well, okay, other than wearing black dresses, I have no clue what they do, but I am sure that they do it very well, except when they do it very poorly. But trust me, I'm sure they do something. I'll get back to you on that one.

3. The Executive Branch- This consists of the President and Vice President. The President is supposed to rule over the country with wisdom and integrity. The very fact that the President is always a politician proves the absurdity of the job description. The Vice President''s job is to make silly statements, be socially inept and generally act in a comical manner thereby making the President look better in comparison. In a monarchy, he is called a "Court Jester".

In theory, these three branch thingies are supposed to work together and make life better for all Americans. In practice, they argue, fuss and do very little but make life easier for themselves.

If I were President, I would immediately declare that anyone in government that disagrees with my policies would be sent to the nearest animal shelter to be used as a scratching post for underprivileged kittens. If they continue to question my administration, they would be forced to wear dog suits and sent to Michael Vick's house.

I would solve the economic crisis by converting our monetary system from dollars to squirrel thingies. That way money would literally grow on trees.

Anyone convicted of animal abuse will be forced to serve a one year sentence in a 1978 Ford Pinto in New Mexico with the windows rolled up. (Unless it can be proven that the abused animal was whiny and then they'd be given a medal and a pension)

Trust me, my "Presidency" is better suited for a dictatorship. Therefore, I will stick to my goal of becoming Supreme Dictator of All Universes Both Known and Unknown, Grand Poobah of All I Survey and Royal Smacker of All Things Whiny.


  1. Dear Supreme Dictator of All Universes Both Known and Unknown, Grand Poobah of All I Survey and Royal Smacker of All Things Whiny. Me agrees with all of your policies! Can me be your enforcer?

    1. Absolutely Nellie! You will find a personalized set of brass knuckle thingies in the hall closet. Welcome aboard!

  2. Neither Jon Stewart nor Stephen Colbert could have been more eloquent describing our country's "political" system and we feel you should begin your own talk show on Comedy Central to keep us informed as this is an election year and your commentaries will be invaluable in giving the electorate valuable information with which to bungle our Vote.

  3. Hmmm, methinks you might not be the Grand Poobah. Not that you aren't mighty and ferocious and truly capable of ruling the Universe, the Underverse, the Oververse and all other verses! From some of your previous posts, I suspect that Ivan may be the Grand POObah! Or at least the Grand Stinky Poobah ;) (who would ever think that the words 'grand' and 'Ivan' would ever go together!)

    Loved the Court Jester comment bahahahahaha!! Aren't they also there to be shot? Or was it him that did the shooting?

    As for minions, I prefer the term 'henchcat'. Minions are a different class entirely.... or lack thereof!

    With malice aforethought
    Evil Elmo - Grand Napper and Supreme Bedhog

  4. That democracy thingy gets overrated a lot by two-legged ones who fundamentally disagree on what it entails in the first place. I hope as Supreme Dictator of All Universes Both Known and Unknown etc. you will undo the need for presidents by erasing all borders from all maps making it impossible for two leggers to get emotionally attached to some silly idea of sovereignty over a piece of some universe they've stuck a ragged piece of cloth in :)