Spring Cleaning

I knew something was up.

The two leggers woke up early this morning. This is one of the two days each week that they generally sleep late and do not leave my house.

So I knew something was up.

They came out of the bedroom. The female was totally alert and obviously excited. The male looked as though he had just won a contest where the grand prize was free membership in the "Colonoscopy of The Month Club".

The female then made an announcement to my household: "Commence Spring cleaning!"

This confused me on two counts.
A. I was unaware that we had springs.
B. I was unaware that the springs we have were dirty.

It soon became apparent that the female was on a mission.

In a flurry of frenetic activity, she proceeded to open every window in my house. She then produced gallons of cleaning solutions and bales of scrubbing rags. The Hoover sucky thingy was placed in the middle of the living room. She instructed the male to move every piece of furniture away from the walls. Rugs were rolled up and moved outside. Buckets of water appeared.

Tiger Lily started whining about the disruption, Jaq curled up on a convenient pile of laundry, and Ivan sat in the middle of the living room repeatedly smacking the hoover sucky thingy. Ivan is very brave when the hoover sucky thingy is turned off, but once it awakens, he invariably poofs, bolts from the room in a skittering of tiny claws and attempts to disguise himself as a large orange dust bunny in the back of the nearest closet.

 Therefore, it falls to me to provide the proper feline supervision of the ongoing operation.

The first thing I noticed was the fact that the two leggers were attempting remove all traces of cat hair from my kingdom. This annoyed me greatly. It has taken me all Winter to lay down a copious covering upon all surfaces in my house. Cat hair is not only very decorative, it serves as a layer of insulation. I guarantee the couch, chairs, drapes, entertainment center, various knock knacks, clean laundry, window sills and various other furnishings all appreciate the warmth that a properly distributed layer of cat hair provides. (It is also instrumental in the breeding of dust bunnies.)

They then attempted to erase all the paw prints that I had painstakingly placed upon the window panes. These paw prints are placed there as a warning to squirrel thingies and other vermin that "we" are watching them and they had better straighten up and take their shennanigans elsewhere.

Now, I was TRULY annoyed.

Obviously sensing my growing agitation, the male then decided that he valued his ankles and decided to offer me a metaphorical olive branch. He moved the couch and uncovered the only thing that would appease me:

"The Haven of Escaped Catnip Mousie Thingies"

The Haven of Escaped Catnip Mousie Thingies, (HECMT) is a region that exists in every feline ruled household. It is a place that cat toys dream of fleeing to. They plot their escape and will often sacrifice the weakest of the herd in order that the younger, stronger toys may find freedom. It is usually located under a couch or other equally immovable piece of furniture. It exists exactly one inch beyond the paw reach of the longest limbed feline resident.

The male, in an uncharacteristic fit of intelligence, realized that the sudden return of 42 of my favorite toys may appease me, swept them into the middle of the room.

I don't recall exactly what happened next. I do have vague memories of flying paws and a little foil ball, but the rest is a blur. The next thing I remember is waking upon my throne in front of the firebox thingy smelling of stale catnip.

My kingdom is scrubbed. Not a cat hair in sight. (Other than those still attached to the Royal Body) No paw prints on any glass surface.( I've no doubt the squirrels are plotting already) My house smells of flowers and disinfectant, and three of my toys have already found refuge under the couch once again.

So now I must get back to work.

This cat hair is not gonna spread itself.