Thursday, October 13, 2011

The Paw of The Land

As you are all aware, I have been somewhat perplexed as how I should treat Jaq.

Well, you may all sleep soundly now.

I have decided to take the bull thingy by the horns and revert to my most base nature.

I am of the opinion that I should smack her.

Before all you bunny hugging earth mommas start picketing and protesting in my front yard, please allow me to justify my decision.

I am a firm believer in the fact that to judge a minion's mettle, they must first be smacked. Not a bell-ringing, cross-eyed-causing, make-you-wander-in-circles-threatening-to-call-Dr.Phil type smack, but a semi-gentle-non-bloodletting-get-to-know-ya type smack. This will allow me to observe whether she is a "whiner", a "pacifist", or a "rabid, Katey bar the door, I'm gonna whoop some tuxedo butt" type of minion.

My dilemma was this: No matter how I approached her, she always moved just out of range of my smackin paw.

If I appeared to be submissive, she'd simply move demurely away. If I approached aggressively, she'd hide aggressively. She seemed to have a sense of when I was planning to give her an interrogative smack.

Most annoying.

I finally decided upon a course of action that has seldom failed me in the past.

It is an ancient form of  smacking originally developed in the Far East.Very mysterious and only practiced by the most cunning of felines. It is known as:

Tae Kwan Bushwack Karate Fu.

I of course, am a black and white belt.

Tae Kwan Bushwack Karate Fu is the ancient art of finding a hidey hole in the most unlikely of places and simply waiting there until the smackee happens to cross in front of the smacker. What separates the Master from the novice is choice of hidey hole, and timing.

Sometimes, the hidey hole is the most innocent of locations. I chose the royal litterbox.Logic dictates that if one is in the litterbox, one's mind cannot possibly be on the act of smacking. Therefore, this was the perfect place to set my trap.

The royal litterbox is of the type that has a convenient hood thingy provided to assure privacy. Hence, it makes a convenient little cave thingy in which to wait for an unsuspecting, previously unsmacked minion to happen by.

Unfortunately, what the ancient scroll thingies never covered was the scenario where a large orange dimwitted tabby kept walking by your hidey hole asking "Whatcha doin Boss?" After the third attempt at shooshing Ivan, I decided to inform him of my plan in the hope that he would move on and leave me to my devious plan.

Needless to say, my hopes were unfounded. Instead of withdrawing, Ivan decided to "hide" behind the royal litterbox and continuously whisper inanities such as: "You gonna get her good this time, Boss" and "She'll never know what hit her, Boss" between fits of thuggish snickering.

After an hour of patient waiting, I realized that my plan had a large orange flaw in it. I am unsure whether it was the snickering, or the fact that there was a gigantic furry basketball attempting to conceal itself behind the royal litterbox while trying to stifle giggles that alerted Jaq to the ambush. Either way, she was not tempted to become the cherry on the top of my smacking sundae.

So it is back to the drawing board thingy.

For now, I'll wait.

Her days of remaining unsmacked are numbered.

Sleep lightly Jaq, sleep lightly.


  1. OMG Master & Comander..seems you are in a Quandry!! MAY I Suggest the Cherry you seek is @ its best, beyond your grasp, Sir? Many Smacking days await you, Sir..pleez be patient!!

  2. I'm rootin' for Katey bar the door, girl power! Look out Cujo, you could be in for a Jaq smacks back attack!

  3. Wow - all that planning undone by one Ivan....good luck with the new plans.

  4. Perhaps you need to merely metaphorically smack her, you know, the whole Bushwack Fu philosophy.

    Nah, that won't be amusing.

    How about trying after Ivan is in a food coma? That's gotta happen a LOT at your abode.