Saturday, October 15, 2011

Glare Into My Eyes

One of the questions that I am often asked is: "Given the relative size between two leggers and cats, how can cats dominate two leggers so completely?"

The obvious answer lies in our greater intelligence. However that response is too general. It is not just our advantage in intelligence that makes us superior, it is in the ways that we utilize this intelligence. It is not amusing to us to simply outsmart our two legged minions. Outsmarting them is too easy and soon grows tedious and beneath us. We must find other, more amusing methods to bend their feeble minds to our will.

My personal favorite manner of domination is HYPMOSIS.

Hypmosis is akin to the two legged discipline of "hypnosis" but much cooler because we use an "M" instead of an "N".

I perform hypmosis pretty much on a daily basis against my two leggers. Unlike the two legger version, we require no swinging watch, swirly spinny thingy going round and round, creepy music, or injection of psychotropic drugs to induce a hypmotic state. (What card holding feline could possibly resist smacking a swinging watch or swirly spinny thingy?)

No, we use our eyes.

A hypmosis session is initiated by the hypmotist placing themselves between a two legger and whatever talking box thingy program that they are currently watching. It is best used during "prime time" or in the case of male two leggers, when there is a sporting event on.(preferably one of those sporting events referred to as "playoffs" or "championships")

Once you have their full attention, (you know you have their full attention when they start saying words like "Scram!" and "Get off the entertainment center you useless, no mouse catching, catfood munching, litterbox soiling, furniture marring, curtain shredding, blood letting little hairball dispenser!" thus proving that they are speaking to you) stare unblinkingly into their eyes.

If you continue to stare without breaking eye contact, within a few moments, they will fall into a deep hypmotic sleep. Though their eyes will remain open, you will know you are successful when they stop ranting and start asking questions of you like "What?" and "Whattayawant?" followed quickly by "What?" again.

This is the moment that you make your demands known. It can be any demand. My favorites are:

1. Turn on the firebox thingy.
2. Feed me.
3. Clean the Royal Litter.
4. Blame Tiger Lily for the broken knock knacks laying strewn in the hallway.
5. Bring me the Royal Catnip.
6. Blame Tiger Lily for the broken wineglass in the kitchen.
7. Rub Ivan's tummy.
8. After rubbing Ivan's tummy, clean up the blood and go bandage yourself.
9. Feed me, and then go chastise Tiger Lily for knocking over the food container thingy in the hallway.
10. Pay no attention to the hole. (don't ask, it's a long story)

After making your hypmotic suggestion, no strike that, your hypmotic demand, tell them that it was all their idea and release them from their hypmotic sleep by smacking them in the ear.

Just one word of caution: Only use this if you are sure that your subject is indeed less intelligent than yourself. Backfires have occurred in the past.

Ivan is still recovering from the time he attempted to hypmotize the oven mitt.


  1. Not sure the male two legger around here would fall for your hypmosis. However, he would gladly allow you to share the recliner and probably rub your ears. He might even utter something remotely understandable, like... don't bite the hand that feeds you. Nah, I doubt it. He would be too busy shouting at the talking box, like it was listening.

  2. You have my attention, Master...shall I dispense the Royal Catnip to all of the Minions, Sir?

  3. My goodness, must go nn, guess your whack on the ear wasn't hard enough!

  4. We want to know more about The Hole.