Thursday, October 6, 2011

You Don't Know Jaq

I find myself in unfamiliar territory.

This annoys me.

I dislike change.

I especially dislike change when I am not responsible for said change.

Let's review for a moment:

Two months ago, I hired a new minion, Jaq formerly known as Jack. Last week, I took pity on her and ordered the two leggers to bring her into my house. I did this to prove to potential minions that I am not a completely cold-hearted and ruthless tyrant. I do have a soft and mooshy side. I am capable of great acts of charity. In fact, someday there will be statues erected over the graves of my enemies in honor of my sweet lovable nature. My selflessness and loving character knows no bounds.

And I'll gladly smack anyone who says otherwise.

Okay, I may have also considered the fact that the introduction of a new feline into my household may have chaotic repercussions. Perhaps the harmonic chemistry that flows through my abode may be adversely altered by the addition of another four legger. But I assure you that was not my primary goal.

It was just a pleasant side affect.

However, what I did not expect was my inability to smack her.

No she is not incredibly fast and agile. I simply cannot bring myself to swing at her.

You see, I do not smack without provocation. I must have a reason to smack. These reasons include:

1. Whining.
2. Eyeballing my stuff.
3. Whining
4. Laying in my spot. (My spot is anywhere that I may wish to lay whether at this moment or anytime in the foreseeable future)
5. Any other thing that may or may not annoy me.
6. Breathing in an annoying manner.
7. Possessing gray or monochromatic fur.
8. Having squirrel DNA or being sympathetic to anything squirrelish.
9. Whining.
10. Having a name like "Tiger Lily" or "Justin Beiber".

I find Jaq to be totally inoffensive.

This is incredibly annoying.

It seems that she has no irritating habits whatsoever. If she suspects that I wish to be in the space she currently occupies, she vacates it. If I decide that I want to eat her food, she moves aside. I have never heard a single whine coming from her general direction. She does not snore when she sleeps. She completely ignores Tiger Lily and simply avoids Ivan. She hates squirrels. She even munched an eight legger and left the legs for me as an offering.

Pondering this, I have formed a theory.

Tyrants sometimes need a cohort. Napoleon Bounaparte had Guinevere, Julius Caesar had Marie Antoinette and Ghengis Khan had Britney Spears.

Why should I be any different?

On the other paw, they all died.

I must ponder this further. In the meantime, I will continue to watch. She's gotta slip up sometime.

For now, I'll go find Tiger Lily.

Can't let my skills get rusty.


  1. Give her some time. Nobody's purrfect.

  2. Maybe she is just taking very careful of new kitties making plans. :)

  3. Jaq COULD be annoyingly submissive...