Saturday, October 22, 2011

Crazy Ivan Part II

That's it.

I'm calling it.

Ivan is officially insane.

Crazy. Cuckoo. Nuts. Out of his tiny head. Loco.

I once heard it said that the definition of insanity is as follows:

"The repetition of identical actions with the expectation of differing results."

Therefore, Ivan is insane.

Every night for the last week or two years, Ivan has followed the female two legger into the bathroom for her nightly cleansing. As soon as she fills the tub thingy with warm water, he plops down between the female and her intended destination. (The recently filled tub thingy) He does this in the hopes that he will be able to chomp her ankles.

The Chomping of the Ankles is a pastime that Ivan has enjoyed since kittenhood. When Ivan was first brought here, there were bare ankles everywhere just waiting to be chomped. The two leggers were unaware of Ivan's favorite game and had no defense. In their innocence, the male would walk through the house in shorts and unshod feet, while the female wore dresses and pantyhose. This provided a target rich environment for an accomplished ankle chomper such as Ivan.

But the two leggers soon learned.

The male carried the water squirty thingy with him at all times while wearing shorts. The female began wearing long slacks or boots when wearing skirts.

Ivan went into a deep blue funk.

Finally, taking pity on the sulking mound of orange lumpiness, I informed him that every evening just prior to her going to bed, the female allows her ankles to be bare in the 4.6284 seconds that it takes her to enter the tub thingy. All he needed to do was to loll in an endearing manner upon the heated floor of the bathroom. The female would believe him to be basking in the radiant heat of the bathroom and may even pause to give his ample belly a scratch. Once paused, her ankles should be his to toy with.

This ploy actually worked.


After the first unexpected munch, the female began to take precautions. She took to covering him with a towel  before making the 3.6 tailspan journey from the sink to the tub thingy. Ivan was and is utterly confused every time he is suddenly thrown into brief darkness only to find that the female has inexplicably teleported from the sink to the tub thingy. He emerges from the darkness to hear the female giggling. To make matters worse, the female then proceeds to "baptize" Ivan with sprinkles of water upon his dense little noggin.

Tonight, for the three hundred, and ninety-fifth consecutive night, Ivan has entered the darkness and emerged only to be "baptized" once again.

I can only say that Ivan is fortunate that the female has not resorted to actual Holy Water for the nightly "Baptism".

The smell of burning cat is most unpleasant.


  1. Ivan has much in common with a number of humans I know. They continually make the same mistakes and keep hoping for a different outcome.

  2. This is funny for MANY reasons:

    1. Our Daddy does the towel move with Tiny Johnson. It renders him helpless. Daddy calls it "parroting".

    2. There's an evasive submarine warfare tactic called the "Crazy Ivan".

    3. We like to make fun of the felinely handicapped.