Sunday, September 25, 2011

Faux Paws

Today the two leggers brought me an offering.

While I appreciate, more or less, (mostly less) their attempts at ingratiating themselves to me, I was not impressed.

They brought me yet another toy.

Sure, I am a firm believer that one can never have enough toys, but in some instances, it becomes somewhat monotonous.

Feather thingies are cool. They simulate the bird thingies that I dream of slaying and de-winging. They stimulate the frontal pre-cortex thingy in my head. They even make me positively "giddy" at times. But how many feather thingies does a self proclaimed Tyrant and Supreme Ruler of The Universe, Both Seen and Unseen need?


I have 38.

This, however was not a feather thingy. It was a something entirely different. While feather thingies are intended to simulate birds, This new plaything was intended to simulate a mouse thingy. It was not a simple ovoid piece of felt, stuffed with catnip, with poorly sown ears and black thread to impersonate whiskers, it was a true attempt to emulate everything mousy-like.

Yes, this was the cumulative effort of the most brilliant two legged scientists to design a cat toy that would be a true doppleganger of all things mousy.


I immediately filed this under the letter "T", for Toys That Amuse Two Leggers Much More Than They Amuse Their Feline Betters.

Oh sure, it was a valid attempt. Other than the facts that it smelled of plastic, had wheels as opposed to legs, was controlled by a box in the two legger's hands and made constant loud "whirrring" sounds when it moved, it was totally believable. It also had a very faint scent of genuine artificial catnip.This was, I realized, the culmination of 5,000 years of two legged development.

Given that the two leggers had spent so much time, money and effort in the design and manufacture of this cyber-rodent, I decided to ignore it.

At first, the robotic rodent fascinated Ivan. He stalked (kinda) the mecha-mouse. He attempted to sneak up on it. He slipped ever so closely to the artificial vermin. Though it is difficult to tell the difference between Ivan "stalking" and Ivan simply lurking, awaiting his next meal, I knew that he was on the prowl. It may have been the fact that he was  constantly whispering to himself: "I'm gonna get the mousie this time".

Once Ivan figured he had successfully stalked and cornered the vinyl vermin, he pounced. Well, not a "pounce" per say, more of a shifting from one place in space to another place in space approximately three inches forward from his starting point. The problem was of course, that the toy was SIX inches away from his current place in space.

The cybernetic pest shot across the room and ended up next to the coffee table.

Where it became lodged.

Realizing my opportunity, I jumped in and like a might avenging angel, chewed it into submission, leaving nothing left but a jumble of gears, wheels and  piece of material that smelled vaguely cat nip like.

The male two legger was so thrilled by my prowess that he began jumping up and down yelling in joy. It would seem that he paid over thirty dollars for my newest toy.

Money well spent if you ask me.


  1. And that's the end of that mouse! You should inform your two leggers there are plenty of the real thing, for free.

  2. And now you are back to 37 again.

    Well done.

  3. real things best but a host of toys can be useful for bunging up the place (especially under the sofa or fridge). Love Darcy and Bingley xx