Thursday, June 30, 2011

Band For Life

I have begun a new endeavor.

I am starting a band.

The idea for this came to me the other night while the male two legger was watching the talking box thingy. It seems that there are entire channels that are dedicated to various two leggers attempting to sing, dance, play string thingies, bang on drums and tear up hotel rooms.

I realized that I am imminently qualified to do all these things.

The two leggers featured on these channels are worshiped and idolized by adolescent two leggers world wide. The louder and more obnoxious they act, the more they are emulated. They do things that would result in my getting soaked by the water squirty thingy if I should attempt them.

It was this behavior that brought me to the conclusion that I MUST start a band.

The first thing that I needed was a cool name for my new band. I considered several options:
1. Mousemunch
2. Slaphead
3. The Litterbox Braintrust
4. Hairball Harmony
5. Smackenscurry
6. Mange
7. Litterclump
8. Hootie and The Blowfish.

I finally settled on "K-Oss Theory". For some reason, this name appealed to me.

Next, I needed some members for my new band. I would be lead vocals as well as playing hair guitar and knock knacks. The sound of things striking the floor at terminal velocity can be quite musical as well as amusing.

Ivan will play repercussion. Though he is just a whisker shy of being declared brain dead, he is very talented at turning random noises into a masterpiece of torturous sounds. He reminds me of a fat orange Justin Bieber.

Tiger Lily is our back up whiner and designated "Artist That Dies Too Young". Every successful band is required to have an expendable member that passes away just as the band begins to achieve mainstream success. She is none too pleased at this assignment, but she should feel happy that we included her at all.

I have attempted to hold auditions for an eight legger to play keyboards, but Ivan keeps munching the talent pool.

I have noticed that there many different labels that two leggers place on their music in order to differentiate the channel on which they are played. Our band will probably be somewhat difficult to categorize in this respect. After our first practice, I have come to the realization that the nearest thing to a genre that our music fits into is:


Tiger Lily suggested "Scat", but that is more of a response than a genre.

I have decided that all rehearsals will begin promptly at two in the morning and be concluded once the two leggers have rushed the stage screaming like the rabid fans that I am confident they will soon become.

Our first album, titled "Doug, Shut Those Damned Cats Up Before I Lose My Mind And Buy A Gun And Start Shooting Every Furred Thing In The Immediate Vicinity!", should be available on iTunes and in record stores everywhere soon.


  1. Allow me to be your first fan! Let me know when you will be airing on Animal Planet and Nat Geo! However, if you decide to be on MTV, I might have to draw the line, I'm old and it gives me a headache.

  2. Do not forget to include Shredding in your genre.

  3. I have a nip guitar!! Maybe I could be in the band too!!