Sunday, June 19, 2011

Check Matey

Today, I am pondering the two leggers.

As many of you may know, my two leggers are what one would call "history buffs". They read all kinds of book thingies about two legger history. But one area in particular seems to hold their interest more than others. This area is what they call "The Royal Navy in The Napoleonic Wars".

They have two series of book thingies that they read over and over again. The "Horatio Hornblower" series and the "Master and Commander" series. It is curious to me why they would read the same book thingies multiple times.

Do they suspect that something has changed while the book thingies lay dormant on the shelf?

Be that as it may, I decided to covertly begin to read these book thingies as well. The fact that I am opposable thumb challenged, forced me to satisfy my curiosity by reading over their shoulders. Some of you may think this behavior rude, but once again, allow me to reiterate that I am a cat. Courtesy is not one of my strong suits. And anyway, it amuses me to sit upon their shoulders while they try to read. It invariably makes them nervous knowing that my smacking paw is mere inches away from their brain thingies.

After reading several of the Hornblower book thingies, I began to see the allure of them. These books are obviously written by cat worshipers.

Take the ship thingies:

Basically the ship thingies are incredibly large habitable scratching posts. They have large curtains all over the top, perfectly suited for climbing, hanging upon and swinging from. They have string in plenty to chase and bat around. They have woodwork everywhere for scratching and marring.

It doesn't end there. They are filled with two leggers who only live to do the bidding of the one in command. Once all this is assembled, they even go so far as to fill the entire ship thingy with rats!

They then sail out and fight with other ship thingies. Sometimes they sneak up on other ship thingies, sometimes they just approach them and say "Let's do this". Cat like behavior at it's finest.

This is truly a feline Valhalla.

Given this inspiration, I have decided to instill naval discipline into my minions. I decided to rename my kingdom The HMS Mayhem. From now on, I will be addressed as Admiral Sir Cujo, Ruler of the Sea, the Land, and the Bathtub Thingy. Lieutenant Ivan will be my Second in Command, Boatswain, Gunnery Officer and Official Seagull Smacker. Tiger Lily will be relegated to the hold as Bilge Licker.

All two leggers will henceforth be known as scrubs, scalliwags and lubbers.

So, on the morning tide, at two bells in the forenoon watch, we will weigh anchor, clew up the starboard lines, set the mainsail, and set a course for chaos. We will sink any lubber that crosses our hawse, and give em grapeshot until they strike their colors.

Then we'll find a sunbeam and have a nap.


  1. Dear Admiral Sir Cujo,

    May I ask which category I have landed in? Scrub, Scalliwag, or Lubber? And are these titles to be Upper or lower case when written?

    Just One of your Minions, gmarch53

  2. Glenna,
    Given your red avatar, I shall bring you aboard as Royal Marine Corporal.

    1. Gosh ComMonster Sir!! I am so honored!! I was amiss in reading the replies to you
      r blog, SIR!! *Salute* and Thank-You!!

  3. I'll just assign myself... as rat. Save you the trouble. However, I would like to be Top rat. (won't say Head rat, cuz I know where that would put me and I ain't goin' there)

  4. No Ms.A,
    You could never be a rat, head or otherwise. Would you care to be a midshipman?

  5. May we crew with you? Mommy says she will be the Official Can Opening Wench.

    pee ess: two-leggers have brain thingies? Who knew?

  6. Welcome Aboard!
    Tell your Mommy that the galley is on the gundeck next to the cable tier.

  7. I like speed boats cuz can feel the wind in my beard. Think that make me do good in the Crow's Nest?

  8. To your post DD! You are assigned as lookout in the dogwatch. BWAHAHAHA!!! Get it? The dogwatch? Sometimes I crack myself up.

  9. In fine feline Valhalla, I Salute you Oh Admiral Sir Cujo, Ruler of the Sea, the Land, and the Bathtub Thingy!! May you reign for a long feline time! (Thanks for this re-post thingy)

  10. Sir, me Sir please don't make me walk the plank