Saturday, June 11, 2011

Sole Food

Sometimes persistence is its' own reward.

I had a plan.

It was a good plan.

It was in theory, a simple plan.

But, sometimes, in practice, the simplest of plans prove to be the most complex.

The plan was to cause chaos by the simple act of making the male two legger step on a piece of my food.

Why would this be the cause of chaos?

I'm glad you asked.

You see, I am not fed just any food, the two leggers insist on feeding me "Hills Science Diet Hairball Control Light". Each little morsel of the aforementioned food is scientifically engineered not only to provide low fat, hairball controlling nourishment, it also provides the added benefit of being the perfect shape and hardness to inflict maximum damage upon the unshod feet of unsuspecting two leggers.

Shaped like tiny pyramid thingies, no matter how they are placed on a flat surface they always have a spiky point sticking straight up. They rank a nine on the Ivans' Cranial Hardness Scale. (ICHS) The ICHS rates the hardness of inanimate objects from one to ten, relative to Ivans' head. One is somewhere in the neighborhood of a fresh hairball. Ten, obviously, is Ivans' noggin. Most rocks fall in the six to seven range.

Back to my plan. Firstly, the male two legger seldom wears shoes while at home. Secondly, the tiny morsels are the same color as the floor. Now seemingly the only thing left to do was introduce foot to food. Should be elementary. However, there is one variable that I failed to consider.

This variable goes by the name "Ivan".

The name Ivan is derived from a Russian word meaning "Food Thingy Vacuum".

You see my problem.

I spent hours studying the two legger traffic patterns to obtain the Optimum Spot For Morsel Placement. (Coincidentally very similar to the Optimum Spot For Hairball Placement) Then, in the wee hours of the morning, I placed the nutritious nugget in the perfect spot, and waited. No sooner had I set the trap, than I saw an orange flash and the food had vanished. This was unacceptable. I pulled Ivan aside and explained my intentions. He said he understood and agreed to abstain from munching my mayhem material. So I reset my trap........with the same results.

Truly annoyed, I pondered my problem.

I finally decided to attempt a technique I saw on a two legger talking box thingy program called "COPS". I waited in concealment until the two legger was approaching and at the last possible second, I batted the nugget under his foot.

This actually worked better than expected. Not only did the nugget maim the two legger, Ivan in his blind dash to claim the food tripped the two legger causing him to bang his knee thingy on a table.

I highly endorse Hills Science Diet Hairball Control Light.


  1. What would you do without Ivan!

  2. Injeanyuss! Bravo *apaws apaws apaws*

  3. Har har har! You are evilly brilliant Cujo!

  4. Holy Cod, that had to be a Zen moment.

  5. AAaahhhahahahahahaha! BRILLIANT!!!! I totally have to steal this idea from you!

  6. A beautifully complex scheme! Exactly what I would expect from you!

  7. ROFLMAO!!!! Perfect! My apologies to Grand Minion Doug, but Cujo: a master plan and a very visual description of a slapstick comedic moment!!