Friday, May 13, 2011

Chaos Theory

There is a science to causing chaos.

Actually, there are several sciences involved in causing chaos. Psychology, Physics and Chemistry just to name a few.

All felines are considered scientists in the study of Chaos Theory.

It is in our genes.

However, once in a while, a cat rises above the realms of science and exceeds all expectations. They stretch and finally rupture the boundaries of all known chaos production. In short, they transform chaos into Art.

I am one such artist.

This is not a matter of conceit, it is simply fact.

Like any devout artist, I have dedicated my life to my chosen medium. I eat, sleep and breathe for the creation of chaos. When I sleep, I dream of chaos. Fortunately my pursuit of chaos meshes well with my occupation. (Universal Dictator and Recreational Tyrant)

Allow me to illustrate the difference between Science and Art:

Scientific cats know that the easiest way to cause chaos is to wait until the two leggers go to bed, and then (using gravity and physics) cause enough noise and damage that the two leggers are compelled to exit their bedroom, water squirty thingy in hand, and attempt to restore order. This form of chaos is short lived and frequently unmemorable.

The ART of Chaos is much more subtle, but the effects are longer lasting.

An artistic cat knows that the ultimate goal is to keep the two leggers awake. Sleep deprivation has long lasting and often unexpected benefits.

Instead of causing a sudden, massive cacaphony of sound that angers the two leggers, I enjoy the employment of soft, intermittent thumps and scritches.

A true artist will wait patiently until they hear the two leggers begin to breathe slightly deeper. This indicates that the two legger is entering the first stages of sleep. At this point, a single quick scratch at the door will generally pop them into immediate wakefulness.

Since they were half asleep, they lay in bed questioning whether they truly heard a noise, or if it was part of a dream. Soon they will favor the latter and begin to drift off once again. The sound of a toothbrush obeying the law of gravity, once again dispels their sleep.

Now, timing becomes critical. A truly gifted artist will intuit the best time to make another noise. The silence is as important as the sound. The two legger must be given time to lay awake, wondering what we are up to and contemplating when the next sound will occur. If the noises become too regular, the two legger may be tempted to rise up and soak everything in sight. If the noises occur too far apart, you risk the two legger falling too deeply asleep and becoming beyond waking. A true artist is able to keep the two legger in a state of perpetual drowsiness.

It is essential to give them hope that the sound they just heard would be the last sound of the night. You must allow them time to relax, and then dash those hopes like the last donut at a police station.

Now I must go. The two leggers have gone to bed and my muse awaits.


  1. Oh, my... you do this and they still feed you??? Sleep deprivation is such a cruel punishment. You are a lucky cat!

  2. Most excellent technique. We surely believe in chaos too - a cat claw flicks in a sunpatch in Finland, and a mouse must die a thousand miles away. Wethinks it works.

  3. We specialize in Delta S, Entropy. It too has endless permutations of possibility.

  4. You are indeed a true artist!