Saturday, January 31, 2015

The StuporBowl

Not very long ago, I wrote about the fact that some four leggers seem to have the ability to predict natural disasters.

Recently however, it has come to my attention that many four leggers can also predict other future events such as the outcomes of sporting events, elections and even the how long the winter weather will last.

This has never been so remarked upon in the local news than this week.

Our local NFL team, the Seattle Seahawks will be playing in the Superbowl again this year against some other football team. So all week long, the news has been airing stories about animals in zoos around the country that are purported to have the ability to pick the winner of the big game thingy. Everything from octopi to bears to prairie dogs are asked to choose either the Seattle Seahawks or that other team.

Charlatans. Each and every one of them.

Now I'm not saying that there are no clairvoyant animals out there. There are indeed proven cases of zoo animals making incredibly accurate predictions. In fact, there is reportedly a monkey who lives at the Arkansas State Zoo and Bait Shop named "Bubbaloo" who has a 99% accuracy rate in predicting exactly which zoo goers will be hit by flying fecal matter on any given day. He simply sits in his cage and seemingly at random, he will suddenly point a long monkey finger at a passing two legger and yell "HOO HOO!!". Invariably, within seconds the indicated two legger will be struck by a wad of airborne poo.


That being said, the news is full of two leggers who claim that their critter is the true oracle of football wisdom. Allow me to tell you how these things work:

The two leggers look for the cutest, cuddliest animal in their menagerie. They then place a flag or helmet from each of the competing teams equidistant from the predictor. Whichever flag or helmet the animal gravitates toward represents the predicted winner. Then all the two leggers cheer loudly because invariably, their team was chosen.

Now obviously the opportunities for subterfuge abound in this scenario. The results are obviously skewed by hiding a bit of the animal's favorite treat under the helmet or flag of the preferred team. It is simply a matter of picking the correct treat for the correct animal.
For example:
If one is employing a panda, a small stick of bamboo would suffice.
If using a lion, a fresh steak or preferably a small poodle would influence his choice.
When asking Justin Bieber, simply placing a large amount of marijuana within the lining of the helmet would encourage his picking your team.

If they truly want an accurate, non-biased prediction, they should come to me.

My opinion would not be swayed so easily. I cannot be influenced by cheap tricks and simple bribery. I would use science and logic to provide an accurate and well thought out conclusion as to the probable victor.

Since no one has bothered to ask my opinion, as usual I will provide it anyway.
After much scientific pondering and thought, I predict that the Seattle Seahawks will soundly defeat that other team.

 I can prove my hypothesis.......

First, let's look at the quarterbacks. Seattle's quarterback, Russell Wilson is a cat lover who visits young sick two leggers in the hospital every week. The other team's quarterback consorts with dogs and has been known to race hamsters on the weekend (usually the hamsters win, but he still races them anyway).

The coaches: Seattle coach, Pete Carroll scampers, cavorts and frolics on the sideline in a most feline manner. The other team's coach wears hoodies.

Seattle has Marshawn Lynch whose nickname is "Beast Mode". VERY INTIMIDATING. The other team has someone named "Gronk". A "Gronk" sounds like something that Ivan left in the litter box after he ate the two legger's leftover sushi.

Finally, the Seahawks are from Seattle. A place so beautiful that it is known as "The Emerald City". The other team is from somewhere called "New England". A place that is known for being newer than "Old England".

Given this overwhelming evidence, I can only conclude that the Seahawks will completely dominate the contest.

Now I must go. It sounds like Ivan is taking another gronk.


  1. Of course the Seahawk thingies will win! Just look into their mascot's eyes. That big bird is gonna swoop down on Tom Brady's head! LOL!!
    Have fun watching the 2 leggers watching the game ComMonster! *Salute* :D

  2. Our mom bean is cheering for the Seahawks too...because the punter Jon Ryan is from our town. We don't really care except it means she's sitting down and we gets to sit on her.

    Sasha, Sami, & Saku

  3. Good thing they DIDN'T ask me. I might have been swayed with a little nip.