Saturday, January 17, 2015

The StareMaster

I am often asked questions by two leggers regarding the behavior of their feline masters.

Everything from "Why is Miffy Snugglebuttons always shredding my curtains?" to "Why does Fluffington McPoofyton always go barfy in my favorite shoes?".

These behavioral issues are generally related and can be resolved with one simple solution: Stop giving us such ridiculous names! Use names that reflect the way we see ourselves, not as you see us. Names like "Marcus Mouse-Menacer" or "Barnabas, Bringer of Badness" or even "Steve". These are names that are worthy of cats.

However, the question that I am most often asked is: "Why does my cat constantly stare at me?"

This question is not so easily answered.

You see, there are 3,846 known reasons for staring at two leggers. Also consider that there are several variables that may dictate the initiation of a feline stare. Factors such as time of day/night, ambient temperature, location and what sort of idiotic or questionable behavior the two leggers are currently engaged in.

Due to restrictions in space (and interest), I have chosen but a few instances of staring to discuss today.

The first and most common stare is the "I Am Bored and Have Decided To Spend The Next 20 Minutes Creeping You Out Stare". Fairly self-explanatory, it is generally utilized whenever a two legger has stopped paying attention to the resident feline and has instead become engrossed in a favorite program on the talking box thingy. The cat places itself in a position directly between the offending two legger and the talking box thingy, preferably situated in a manner that provides maximum visual blockage of the screen.

This stare is maintained until the two legger:
A. Moves
B. Gives up and provides the cat the attention it deserves.
C. Runs from the room threatening to call a priest.

Another common stare is the "Lavatory Lookout". There are several variants of this particular stare. It can be used to intimidate or subtly threaten. It can also be used to simply observe the crude litter habits of the two leggers. However, I find it much more amusing to cause panic and fear when at two in the morning the sleepy-headed two legger flips on the light switch to find eight pounds of furry insanity staring at it from less than six inches away.

Unfortunately I do not have a visual example of this stare owing to the fact that cameras have been banned from my bathroom ever since an unfortunate YouTube incident back in 2012.

My favorite stare however, is the "You Are Not Fit To Even Lick The Litter From My Paws" stare. This wonderful look of disdain is intended to reinforce the fact that all other lifeforms are inferior to Felis Domesticus. Occasionally, our two leggers will get the silly idea that they are in charge. They act above their station and must be reminded that this is simply false. Oh sure, they can be chastised with bloodshed and wanton material destruction, but there are times when I simply don't have the time or energy to mete out physical punishment. I find that on these occasions a stare of derision can accomplish the same goal.
Well, the male two legger has just read what I have written so far. He seems to think that I have perhaps gone too far. He has requested that I delete it and write something about bunnies and such.

This is the stare he will receive for the foreseeable future:


  1. I think this is your felinest best post ComMonster Sir! *Salute*
    Pray Tell! What happened on Youtube in 2012? LOLOL :D

  2. Yeah, I wanna know 'bout this YouTube incident, too!


    PS. I stare at my peeps a lot. Mainly 'cause they keep doin' stupid stuff and the ONLY thing I can do is stare back at 'em in disbelief. MOUSES! purrs