Saturday, January 10, 2015

The Fog Blog

I awoke this morning to a most disturbing sight.

But then he and the female got dressed and left for work.

As they were leaving, I beheld another, almost as disturbing sight.

My outer Kingdom had disappeared. Vanished. Gone. No more.

It had been replaced by a whispy, cottony substance. Slightly opaque, it seemed to glow with the rising sun. I could just make out the vague shadows that were surely my tree thingies. Of the goat pen, I could see nothing.

What could this be?

According to the news, it was called "fog". They explained that it was fairly rare for it to occur in my region of the world, but due to an odd weather system, we would be experiencing it for the next few days. What they failed to explain however, is exactly what "fog" is made of.

So I got on my computer typey thingy and went to the National Weather Service website ( According to the NWS, fog is formed when a whole bunch of huge words interact with a whole bunch of even bigger words which then form into several clusters of small but unpronounceable words which spread out forming a bunch of confusing and confounding terms.

More confused than ever, I decided to look at the website of our local news station. This website featured the same smarmy two legger that delivers the nightly forecast. Every night he offers a highly dumbed-down explanation of weather phenomenon while making it sound slightly profane and suggestive.

Unfortunately, I was only able to watch one of his videos before having to bathe myself in order to remove the smarminess that seemed to radiate from the screen.

Finally, I decided to solve the mystery myself.

The first step in solving a scientific mystery is "observation".

 What were the conditions preceding the development of the fog? Well, the temperature recently had been mild, neither warm nor seasonably cold. Mostly sunny skies (but only during the day, never at night). Little or no wind. I had noticed that the goat thingy had been acting odd, but odd is the norm when referring to goat thingies. The only unusual factor I noticed was an increase in squirrel activity. The squirrel has spent the last two days scurrying back and forth between his tree and the stump where the two leggers feed the bird thingies. I attributed this to the fact that the female two legger had set out a bowl of dried beans that were past their useful date. The squirrel was obviously planning a chili cook-off sometime in the near future. Other than this mad dashing back and forth, I could detect no significant anomalies between this week and any other.

The next step is "testing".

 I approached the edge of the bay window where I know there exists a light draft. I slowly inhaled. While it did not provide a true example of how the fog smelled, I was able to ascertain that the fog smelled unpleasant, stale and stagnant. Not quite on a par with Ivan after Burrito Night, but unpleasant nonetheless. It was also damp. Not unlike the air in the bathroom when the two leggers spray water upon themselves every morning.

So fog is moist, stinky, air.

The final step is "forming a theory and testing it empirically".

I had my theory in mind. Now to test it.

The squirrel was playing on my front deck directly below the bay window. In the past, a simple smack on the window would send the varmint into a panicked retreat back to the perceived safety of his tree. However, this time when I smacked upon the window, he simply turned, twitched the floofiness of his mangy tail, and grinned at me.

He even had the temerity to wink.

Thus proving my theory.

What the weather nerds at the National Weather Service were trying to say, and what The Smarmy One failed to explain, can be summed up in two words:

Squirrel Farts.

Fortunately, the beans are now all gone.

The fog should clear in a few days.


  1. I didn't know that Squirrel Thingies had chili cook-offs! I learn something new with every blog thingy ComMonster Sir! :D
    I am so glad you survived the fog.

  2. It was very useful for me. Keep sharing such ideas in the future as well. This was actually what I was looking for, and I am glad to came here! Thanks for sharing the such information with us.

  3. Squirrel farts? MOUSES! That's crazier than a squirrel makin' nut pies kind of crazy, if you know what I mean. I shall have my brother Anderson - also known as Sir Fartsalot - read this blog post, for sure.