Sunday, February 16, 2014

Olympic Undertaking

Right now, in a land far, far away, a whole bunch of two leggers are competing against each other in something called The Winter Olympics.

After having watched and studied the Olympic thingies for a week now, I believe I have discovered the reason that two leggers train their entire lives in order to be chosen to represent their countries at the Winter Olympics:

They're freakin' nuts.

I have done some research and have discovered the origins of many winter sports. In the interest of educating my followers, I shall now chuck some snowballs of wisdom in your general direction.

The sport of  "skiing" began as a prank that a two legger from Austria pulled on a two legger from Britain. During the 18th and 19th centuries, the British Empire had spread across the entire globe. Since England has no geographic features whatsoever, the British quickly became fascinated with mountains and felt compelled to climb every single mountain they happened across. No matter how high, how cold or how dangerous, as soon as they saw a mountain in the distance, they would immediately grab their ropes, tighten their belts, shout "Jolly good!", and start their ascent. Upon reaching the summit, they would have a spot of tea while they tried to figure out how to get back down.

One Englishman, Sir Nigel Worrynaught, found himself in just such a situation. He sat atop one of the highest peaks in the Alps, sipping his tea and quietly pondering the huge crevasse that had just swallowed his favorite manservant Dunswaddle. Soon, Hans Von Fujimoko, a young Austrian Tae Kwan Do master happened by. Curious, he asked the Englishman what was amiss?

"My manservant Dunswaddle seems to have gone FDACWOL (Fallen Down A Crevasse Without Leave). The blighter didn't even give notice in order for me to hire a replacement and now I am stuck upon this mountain with no one to carry my kit. Why, it'll take me days to get back down."

Austrians, unlike their neighbors the Germans, had yet to prohibit the ownership of a sense of humor, and Hans saw an opportunity for a bit of fun at Sir Nigel's expense. He karate chopped two saplings and proceeded to tie them to Sir Nigel's feet. As Sir Nigel stood upon the saplings and turned to ask what to do next, Hans gave him a shove and down the mountain he slid.

Somehow Sir Nigel survived the trip down the mountain and after declaring it to be "great fun" cleaned his lederhosen and climbed back up the mountain.

Many years later, a pair of NASCAR fans decided to take up mountain climbing during the three weeks per year that NASCAR was not being shown on the "TeeVee Box". After spending several hours at the base of the mountain and having consumed several cases of beer, one of the NASCAR fans turned to the other and uttered the immortal words: "Well, hot dang Jimmy Joe Bob, I reckon if'n we toted one of them thar rusted-out Chevy Novas up that thar hill, take off the wheels and replace em with a coupla fence staves, we could purty much ride that bad boy back down that thar hill and we'd have a passle of fun. Heck, we might even break sumptin if'n we do it right."

Thus the sport of Jimmy Joe Bobsledding was born. The sport remains essentially the same to this day, the only differences being the shortening of the name to "Bobsledding" and the rule restricting the competitors to carrying only 24 empty beer cans in the back seat instead of the original 238.

Curling is another sport that began as a joke. Back in 1873, many Americans were passing through Canada on their way to the Yukon gold claims. Ever curious, the Americans were very interested in the Canadian's methods of dealing with the boredom of the 14 month Canadian winter. One enterprising Canadian who was tired of cleaning up the mud and snow tracked in on the American's dirty boots, told the Americans that they spent most days sliding large stones around their igloos and using brooms to guide them to a target placed just outside the doors of their igloos. The Americans were fascinated with this game and soon became extremely adept at sweeping the floors of their Canadian hosts.

Curling became an Olympic sport in 1960 at the request of sports enthusiasts who found the sport of "watching paint dry" just too darned exciting. 

With the exception of hockey, all other events at the Olympics essentially are derived from the three mentioned above.

Hockey is simply a reenactment of a typical Canadian family dinner that invariably ends in everyone grabbing sticks and fighting over the last biscuit.


  1. Why, you are a strutting encyclopedia ComMonster Cujo!!
    The imagery of Hans Von Fujimoko fashioning those skiis was breathtaking!
    I learn something new every time I read your musings!! :D

  2. Wish you had told us how ice dancing came to be. Other than that, we found this to be well-researched and presented. Can't believe you were willing to give up so much of your Tiger Lily smacking time to do all this pawsome research. Our humans have been spending a ridiculous amount of time watching this stuff. We find it totally unnecessary as we have 20 inches of snow right her. Why watch it on TV. Silly humans. Purrs and paw-pats, Mauricio, Misty May, Lily Olivia, Fiona, Giulietta, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Jo