Sunday, April 3, 2011

Root Thingies

Today I'd like to talk about my predecessors.

Unlike two legger royal lineages, my forebears are not linked by genetics. Two leggers seem to have an aversion to feline reproduction. Whenever one of us begins to reach the age at which we become capable of reproducing, they cart us off to the "Two Legger That Must Not Be Named", who quickly removes the very things that we enjoy licking most. They say that it not only controls our population for the good of society, but that it also makes us "happier" and "calmer" than we would be otherwise.

Do I appear "happy" and "calm"? Tell you what, let's do that to the two leggers and see if they re-evaluate their theory.

As far as controlling our population for the good of society, have you looked at two legger society lately? Perhaps the wrong population is being controlled. Just sayin.

Back to the subject at paw.

Most feline royal lineages are passed through spirit rather than blood. Every household that is ruled by cats also contains the spirits of all the former monarchs. Their spirit is in the furniture where they used to lay, the carpets they rolled on, the drapes they used to shred and on the windowsills where they spent their days cursing squirrels.

When one Ruler passes, and the next takes over, the new Ruler is imbued with the spirit of his or her predecessor.

In my particular case, my household was previously ruled by Mittens The Ancient, and Tucker Ironclaw. While they had two totally different styles of exerting their authority, they both reigned with complete dignity and wisdom.

Tucker Ironclaw, though his reign was all too short, (only 3.5 years) ruled with all the strength and ruthlessness that his name implies. He adopted my two leggers when he was just a kitten. For the first year of his reign, he was the only feline in the kingdom, so his work was cut out for him. His minions consisted of the two leggers, the goat thingies, and also two feathered nazis ironically called "lovebirds".

Though his kingdom was in constant upheaval, (he allowed the two leggers to keep their young here then) he managed to keep everything under his control. It was during this time that Tucker developed and perfected the "Boogitation Maneuver". This maneuver is performed by suddenly leaping in front of an unsuspecting two legger and waving ones front paws wildly causing the two legger to startle and bolt from the room.

It amuses us.

Midway through his administration, Tucker Ironclaw was joined by Mittens The Ancient. Mittens was a semi-retired polydactyl despot that came here to live the last of his years in relative peace and quiet. He was the Yoda to Tucker's Skywalker. (The older Skywalker in the early films, not the little bratbeast that came later) Just like Yoda, Mittens was old, wizened and hard to understand when he spoke, but he still retained a deadly smack and was not to be mucked with. Even the coons didn't mess with "The Mitt".

Mittens died at the age of a bazillion years old. The coons still speak of him with awe.

Tucker died the next year of a stomach thingy.

They are buried next to each other behind the place where the two leggers feed the bird thingies.

Their spirits are in every wise decision I make and every bit of chaos I cause.

Tonight I will give Tiger lily a special smack in their memory.

This one is for you guys.

1 comment:

  1. Haha! Very important to carry on the traditions of Those Who Came Before!

    BTW, our mom has an aversion to human reproduction, no offense intended, and always felt it would have been better for the planet and All Species if Homo Sapiens had to have a small operation to HAVE offspring. 'Cause there are a heck of a lot of humans out there who just should not have bred. :-P

    -Fuzzy Tales