Saturday, July 31, 2010

Proceding Hair Lines

Figured I'd talk about hair today. I consider my fur to be such a wonderful thing that I feel compelled to spread it throughout the entire known world.
One of my favorite things about my fur is the fact that no matter how much I shed, my coat remains undiminished. My two legger cannot say the same. I could shed three million hairs an hour and still retain my luxurious do. I draw great pleasure from proving this to the two leggers whenever possible.
There is a strategy to proper fur distribution:
1) Never waste time shedding on the clothes that your two leggers only wear at home. These clothes will accumulate fur during the day on their own.
2) When the two leggers are getting ready to leave your house, they will invariably lay out clean clothes. Immediately pounce upon these and if you have enough time, roll on your back until the two legger spots you and forces you off. Occasionally you can get a bonus if they try to spray you with water as they will usually miss you, wetting their garments instead. This will make them retrieve more clothing and you can repeat the process.
3) If your two legger is attempting to read or work on their computer, a properly applied tail brush beneath their nose will induce a fit of sneezing and rubbing of their nose. This is most amusing.
4) Always try to leave a large amount of fur on any surface that two leggers enjoy sitting upon.
5) Study where the two leggers walk at night when all the lights are off. There are several places in the house where they often walk without the benefit of illumination. Once you have found these sweet spots, deposit a properly semi-digested amount of "hairball thingy" after the two leggers have retired for the night. The amusement this will give you is beyond measure.
6) Another great use for hairball thingies is more in the act than the location. Wait until the two leggers are eating (preferably with guests for maximum effect) and then casually saunter into the room. Once you have everyone admiring the "cute little kitty" hock up a huge one. Draw it out dramatically taking at least 45 seconds to get it all out. Trust me, this will be the hit of the evening.
I will continue my thoughts on hairball thingy etiquette in a later post. For now I must go intimidate the squirrel.

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