Tuesday, December 2, 2014

The Paw of Fate

While going through my email the other day, I came across one that sparked my interest.

It read:
Dearest Cujo,
    I have been reading lately about animals that seem to have some kind of "sixth sense". Some animals have been able to tell when someone has cancer, or is about to go into diabetic shock. Some act strange just prior to a natural disaster or cataclysm. I even read one story about a cat at a nursing home who could tell when a resident was about to pass on.
   I am sure that as Supreme Dictator, High Poobah and Benevolent Tyrant of All Universes (known and unknown), you would have some insight into this seemingly unexplainable phenomenon.
        Your Devoted Minion,
                            Cuddles McBloodletter

Thank you Cuddles for your question.

Once again I shall spread some fertilizer upon the barren soil of two legger knowledge in the hopes that the seeds of wisdom may begin to sprout.

Throughout history there have been stories of animals having special senses. Dog thingies barking and howling just prior to an earthquake, rats vacating a doomed ship before it sails, birds vanishing before a storm, Charlie Sheen leaving the cast of "Two and A Half Men".......the list goes on and on.

I am here to tell you that there is absolutely nothing "supernatural" about any of this. Supernatural is simply a word that two leggers use because it is anathema for them to ever admit that they can't figure something out.

Take the stories about dog thingies barking and howling just before the advent of an earthquake. Dogs barking and howling? Really? Barking and howling is pretty much all they do when they aren't sleeping, cleaning themselves or sniffing each others' butts.

However, I'd like to focus on the four leggers that are accredited with diagnosing disease or predicting the deaths of two leggers.

I have personally witnessed this phenomenon on several occasions.

Just last week while the male two legger was eating the last muffin, Ivan predicted that he would soon suffer from spontaneous hemorrhaging of his left ankle and subsequent tummy growls. Within thirty seconds his prediction came true after he bit the ankle and ate the muffin while the male searched for bandages.

I have an innate talent for predicting chronic insomnia. I can personally guarantee that every time the two leggers neglect to close the bedroom door when they retire for the evening, sleeplessness on their part will ensue. Sometimes, I can even predict it by simply staring at their picture while Jaq sings a funeral dirge.

 I have also been known to predict high blood pressure and male pattern baldness.

One of the more sensational stories I have heard was a news story about a cat in a Michigan nursing home that could predict the impending deaths of elderly residents. It seems that every time a patient was about to die, the cat, whom the staff had named "Val" (short for "Valkyrie, Bringer of Death and Other Gloomy Stuff), would enter the doomed patient's room, jump up on their bed and yowl loudly for a few minutes before calmly walking out with tail straight in the air.

First of all, any feline with a reputation as a harbinger of mortal doom would by his very presence, probably become a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Plus, consider the target-rich environment.

The odds speak for themselves.


  1. Jaq singing a funeral dirge. LOL!!! You are one funny cat ComMonster Cujo!! :D

  2. Just wanna clarify one thing... Predictor or cause of that male-pattern baldness thingy. Inquirin' minds wanna know.


  3. Nerissa,
    That information is confidential ;)