Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Claus for Concern

In my opinion, one of the most disturbing traits that two leggers have is that of glorifying criminals and criminal activity.

Their history is filled with stories of individuals who became famous and celebrated because of their anti-social behavior. Robin Hood, Jesse James, Butch Cassidy, John Dillinger and Justin Bieber, just to name a few.

However, there is one that stands above the rest. His criminal career and list of offenses is longer than that of any other ne'er-do-well in the annals of man. His nefarious empire spans the entire globe and affects every society on Earth. He has thousands upon thousands of willing and unwilling accomplices.

Though his description and crimes are widely known, he has never been arrested, never been indicted, never spent a day in jail.

The location of his evil lair is so well known that millions of children write letters to him every year!

Of course I speak of  the master criminal known as "Santa Claus". According to the FBI, his aliases include: Saint Nicholas, Kris Kringle, Father Christmas, St. Nick, Pere Noel, Nicky Da Nose (in New Jersey) and Sinterklaus among others.

I have researched the crimson criminal and discovered that his offenses include:
31,658,496,637,894,156,627,731,816,614,003 counts of "breaking and entering".
792 counts of "unlawful imprisonment" (the elves he uses as slave labor in his evil lair and sweatshop).
11 counts of "animal cruelty and endangerment" (forcing reindeer to pull his obese carcass around)
Numerous counts of "fraud" and "embezzlement".
97counts of "felonious jollity".

Every year he employs thousands of decoys that go out to department stores to confuse the authorities.

Well if the FBI, CIA, DEA, ATF, DHS or any other tri-lettered government agency won't do anything to put an end to the criminal reign of the felonious fatso, I will......

This year I have set a trap.

It is gloriously simple in its sheer complexity.

The criminal Kringle is always drawn to the large green cat toy that the two leggers insist on calling the "Christmas Tree". On Christmas Eve, Ivan will be hidden among the packages at the base of the tree thingy.  Jaq will be sitting on the back of the couch softly singing various Christmas carols to put Santa at ease. I have already tied up Tiger Lily with several strands of lights and intend to hang her in the bay window to provide a festive atmosphere (hopefully she won't yowl as loud as she did last year when I plug her in). As for myself, I will be concealed deep among the boughs of the tree thingy.

When Santa approaches the tree, Ivan will jump out and commence to chewing on the fat man's ankles. As the festive felon fights to extricate himself from Ivan's merciless maw, with a mighty MROWR!!!!! I shall leap from my place of coniferous concealment directly upon his noggin causing him to drop in a dead faint.

I figure that anyone who subsists on a diet consisting entirely of milk and cookies should be ripe for a massive coronary or at least a minor stroke.

While he is out, we will tie him up with ribbon and gag him with a Christmas stocking.

Thus we will bag the bulbous burglar.

That'll teach him to bring me coal three years in a row.

From the Kingdom of Cujo, I and my minions would like to wish all of you a very merry Christmas and a bountiful New Year. 


  1. LOL! 97 counts of "felonious jollity!" :D I wonder if Santa pays those deceitful decoys a decent wage?
    Have the happiest of Holidays ComMonster Cujo and Minions, both 4 and 2 legged!

  2. Great story !
    Merry Christmas dude :)

  3. We is not sure if we hope your arrest of Santa Claws was successful or not. We kinda like prezzies under the tree.

    But we do wish you and your two-leggers a furry Merry Christmas (yeah, we are late...blame the mom bean) and all the best in 2015!

    Sasha, Sami, & Saku

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