Sunday, July 20, 2014

The Walls Have Noses.

Several of my minions have written to tell me that they are curious about Ivan and his propensity for slamming his head thingy into the nearest wall every time he is startled.

They accuse me of exaggeration or embellishment of the facts.

I assure you that quite the opposite is true. I have actually downplayed the truth out of embarrassment for the stinky, orange, wrecking ball of furred destruction.

It is my theory that everyone (excluding myself, of course) has their one great weakness. A weakness that no matter how they try to avoid it, seems to seek them out and lay them low at just the wrong time. Superman has kryptonite, Dracula has sunlight, Achilles had his heel, Nero had his depravity. Miley Cyrus has her total lack of talent.

Ivan has walls.

It is a curious phenomenon, but every single time Ivan is startled, his head seems to seek out the nearest vertically flat structure and slam directly into it.

Throughout my entire house, in the dining room, the living room, the kitchen, down the hallway, in every bedroom and bathroom there are small indentations about three quarters of a tailspan above the floor. It has reached the point that visitors often mistake the dents for part of the decor. Even the stainless steel door of the fridge thingy has several impressions of Ivan's tiny noggin. There are times that the walls of a room he enters will actually begin to shake in anticipation of another cranial assault.

Pondering this, I decided that this required further study and immediately set out to find answers to this minor mystery. Of course the first step in any investigation is to observe the event and chronicle the results.

Fortunately, Ivan is extremely easy to startle. Often, just whispering the word "Boo!" in his ear is enough to cause him to poof, bolt and slam. Placing a sock in a place that he doesn't expect it to be can result in sudden abject terror and the subsequent structural damage that invariably occurs.

Allow me to pause for a moment and clarify something. Ivan is by no means a coward or "scaredy cat". He is actually one of the bravest cats I know. I once saw him face a running vacuum cleaner and chomp it into submission without showing a single whisker quiver of fear. But in order to face the potential danger, he must be made aware of the peril very slowly, with ample warning and preparation.

Startling is another thing altogether.

Anyway, I began with a test that started with Ivan being startled out of a deep slumber. I found him snoring on the heated bathroom floor. I stalked up next to his ear and shouted "OH NO! THE TWO LEGGERS FORGOT OUR FOOD!!" As predicted, Ivan jumped to his feet, poofed and slammed into the wall next to the commode. From start to unconsciousness, the experiment lasted 2.174 seconds.

Next, I stood silently behind the bedroom/hallway door and waited for Ivan to walk by. As he passed, I gently tapped him on the hindquarters. With a skittering of claws on the hardwood flooring, Ivan flew down the hallway but failed to negotiate the turn into the kitchen and slid headfirst into the utility closet door. He wasn't knocked out this time, but he did wander in circles, twitching for a few minutes.

For my third trial, I waited until Ivan was using the litter box. I felt that waiting until he was completely distracted might provide further insight into why Ivan is the way he is. Last night, about 3:37 AM, I noticed Ivan heading into the computer room to "take care of business". I knew he was headed to the litter box because he was carrying his comic book with him (he has been reading the same comic book for three years now and is about to start page five). I gave him a few moments to get fully engaged and then I smacked the side of the hood with all my might. An orange puffy lightning bolt shot out of the litter box and lodged in the wall. In the eruption, the litter box was sent flying in the opposite direction toppling over and spilling its contents in the process.

The commotion apparently awakened both two leggers. They emerged from their bedroom shouting my name and casting aspersions upon my character. When they entered the computer room, the female waggled her finger and glared at me while the male attempted to extricate Ivan from the drywall.

After several days of experimentation, I confess that I am no closer to solving this mystery than I was when I started.

So I shall continue my investigation.

But as a wise two legger once said: "The journey is often more rewarding than the destination".


  1. Miley Cyrus' lack of talent! LOL I knew there was something amiss with that young 2 legger!
    You are so wise Cujo. I am sure you will figure Ivan out someday! :)

  2. Cranial assault!

    We eagerly await further research.

  3. Keep investigating Ivan. Inquiring minds want to know why, and are eagerly awaiting further data from your research.

    Happy Belated Blogoversary!!!!! Our human wasn't home yesterday so we didn't get a chance to come by.

  4. And there I was, thinkin' they had ears. MOUSES!

    Nissy #Niss4Senate - Tell the PM, today

    PS. Exactly what comic book is it and what is so darned interestin' on page four?