Not a Leg To Stand On.

Last week, the male two legger came home from work with an apparent limp.

As the week progressed, the limp grew more and more pronounced. By Sunday, the female had completed her ritual of toe tapping, finger waggling and eye rolling that she must perform in order to convince the male to seek the advice of a physician.

When he returned home from the Vet thingy, he was walking with the aid of a stick and had a big dopey grin upon his face. The stick is called a "cane" and the big dopey grin was the result of modern chemistry. Immediately upon his return, the female planted him in his easy chair, brought him all 37 remote control thingies and issued orders that he was forbidden from any sort of movement or exercise until further notice.

Already I could see the benefits of such an order.

The male two legger is now at my mercy. He is immobile. His lap is now a permanent fixture in my living room.

He is mine to toy with....

However, I have learned not to blindly trust such an obvious windfall of good fortune. Though my two leggers are for the most part unimaginative and dull, they have occasionally been known to make attempts to entrap me. For instance, they once brought home a seemingly expensive vase thingy and placed it in the center of the dining table. Knowing full well the consequences of leaving such a temptation within my reach, they actually had the audacity to act angry and dismayed when the vase thingy met its inevitable end.

Anyway, the male's posterior was firmly planted in his easy chair, the female had retired to the bedroom, and I was ready for a little mayhem. However, as I approached the male, I realized that the female had made plans to enlist me in the recuperation of her mate.

She had brought out THE HEATING PAD.

Two leggers have known for centuries the healing powers that felines possess. No matter the injury or ailment, the placement of a cat upon the afflicted area will encourage quick and natural healing without the need for surgery or pharmaceuticals. The key is getting the cat to stay on the injury long enough for its healing benefits to work effectively. Early experiments with smearing tuna and catnip over the owie often had catastrophic consequences when the feline would simply eat the affected two legger thus defeating the purpose. With the advent of electricity however, the heating pad was invented. By laying the new device upon the injury, any feline within a five mile radius would be attracted and compelled to curl up, lay down and provide hours of purring power to the afflicted two legger.

I have spent the last six days healing the male's knee. Though it goes against my sensibilities to actually render aid to the two leggers, I comfort myself with the knowledge that whenever I shift my weight, it causes him much grimacing and pain.

In the meantime, Ivan has become bored with being a vacuum and has decided that he wishes to become a beaver. He has been spending every waking hour (about 1.74 hours per day) attempting to gnaw through the male's cane thingy.

Once he is finished felling the cane, he plans on damming the toilet and creating his own pond in the guest bathroom.