Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Ivan Sucks

Around two o'clock today, I reached the conclusion that I was well and truly bored.

Those of you who have read my blog or book thingies will surmise that this never ends well.

You surmise correctly.......

As I sat in my bay window pondering my boredom, an infomercial came on the talking box thingy. It was touting the attributes of a new super-duper vacuum sucky thingy called a "Dyson". An over-caffeinated two legger was jumping about, screaming at his audience that their eternal happiness depended upon them sending him $99.99. But if they order in the next 20 minutes, he'll double their order! (Just pay $300 shipping & handling)

It seems this incredible machine sits around all day until something is dropped on the floor. It then awakens with a deafening whirrrrrrrrrrrrr and proceeds to suck up every last trace of fallen debris until the final molecule has been eradicated.

As I stared in infomercial induced stupor, a thought suddenly occurred to me.

My life can never be complete unless I procure a "Dyson".

There was just one problem......

The two leggers have taken to locking up all the credit cards.

Apparently they took exception to my last purchase of a new refillable catnip mousy thingy. Hiding my credit card was a total overreaction. Sure, it was a bit pricey for a cat toy ($625.00) But I considered it a bargain because it came with a 300lb bale of catnip. And they even delivered it free of charge!

Be that as it may, as I sat pondering my dilemma, I noticed Ivan was busily licking the spot on the dining room floor where a two legger had dropped a potato chip two weeks ago. It came to me in a flash! I don't need a "Dyson".

I have an Ivan.

Yup. Slap some stinky orange fur on a vacuum sucky thingy, teach it to chomp random objects, and Viola!


I just had to convince him that he was our new vacuum cleaner.

So I called him over and made him watch the infomercial.

First they spilled some cereal on the floor. The Dyson sucked up every crumb. Ivan's eyes grew big as saucers. He jumped up and shouted "HEY! I CAN DO DAT!"

They spilled some fruit juice on the floor. The Dyson consumed every drop. "I CAN DO DAT TOO!" Ivan declared. "I EVEN MAKE DAT SOUND WHEN I EAT!!".

Then they turned the Dyson off, folded it and stuck it in a closet.

"I SLEEP IN CLOSET TOO!!!" Ivan screamed, and ran down the hallway yelling "I AM DYSON!!! WHIRRRRRRRRRR!!!!'

It was at this point that the two legger started talking about the Dyson having "Smart Technology".

Oh well. I wonder if they accept checks.


  1. Gah that Smart Technology. Ivan, blissful ignorance is a gift.

  2. Only $625 and it included three hundred pounds of nip? WHAT A DEAL! Why on Earth would your peeps complain? I just don't understand peeps. Just don't understand 'em at all. MOUSES!


  3. "RoboIvan." The name certainly has commercial appeal.
    I need this product! Is it possible to rent him some time in the future? :D