Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Lumber Jaq

Around 300 years ago, Sir Isaac Newton figured out the whole Law of Gravity Thingy.

Around 30 years ago, a group of Canadian scientists and part-time musicians named "The Guess Who" confirmed Newton's theory when they said "What goes up, must come down". Being Canadian, they spent the rest of their lives trying to apply Newton's findings to the sport of hockey.

I have been pondering gravity over the past several days.

Why? Because the Christmas tree thingy has gone up.

In keeping with the spirit of Sir Isaac Newton  and The Guess Who, it must now come down.

It's the law.

I didn't write it....... but I intend to enforce it.

Last Sunday, the female two legger sent the male out to the shed to retrieve a bunch of large boxes that only come out in the month of December. As I anticipated, the largest box contained the disassembled parts of a large plastic tree thingy.

And thus it begins.

Every year the two leggers engage in the same bit of folly. They spend several hours assembling and decorating the most incredibly stimulating cat toy/scratching post on Earth, and then they admonish all local felines to refrain from attacking it. There are three basic flaws in their logic:

1. It is a tree. Cats like climbing in trees.
2. They think the tree is pretty. Cats like destroying anything the two leggers consider pretty.
3. They told us not to touch it. Cats like touching anything they are told not to touch.

It's the same old song and dance. We watch intently while they trim the tree thingy. Once completed, the female turns to me and says "Don't even think about it, Cujo". This year she even waggled a finger at me. The "Wagglin O' The Finger" is a two legger ritual intended to fend off evil spirits and mischievous felines. Like most two legger rituals, it doesn't work. It usually amuses the evil spirits and bores the felines.

The first night after they put up the tree thingy, the two leggers slept very lightly with water squirty thingies close at hand. We were aware of their vigilance and decided to postpone our plans until they had let down their guard. They were incredulous when they awoke the next morning to find the tree thingy fully intact and all ornaments whole and accounted for.

The second night came and went without incident as well. Their anxiety began to wane.

I knew the third night would be the optimal time for us to strike. If we let it go another night, their suspicions would be aroused and all would be for naught. Tonight would be the happy medium between waning suspicion and reluctant relaxation.

After the two leggers retired to their bedroom, we waited for several hours until we were positive that they were deep in the throes of slumber. We could hear the low rumble of the male's snoring and the deep soft sighs of the female. Giving the all clear, I told Tiger Lily to go first. As usual, her clawless attempts at destruction were pathetic. She only succeeded in mussing the tree skirt and knocking one low priority plastic ornament down.

Ivan wanted to go next and met with much more success. With a low-pitched "ROWR", Ivan disappeared beneath the lowest boughs and in a few short seconds, suddenly reappeared up near the very top of the tree.  He then began batting at any and all ornaments within reach. After slaying no fewer than eight ornaments, he once again vanished. Several seconds passed with no sign of activity. I slowly became aware of a strange odor and small wisps of smoke coming from the middle branches. This was a sure sign that Ivan hadn't learned his lesson from the previous six years and was once again chewing on the light cords.

Up until this time, Jaq had remained in one of the large ornament boxes, softly singing Christmas carols to herself. However, unbeknownst to me, she had stealthily climbed the half wall next to the tree. With a deafening yell of "TIMBERRRR!!!!" She leapt from the wall straight into the very top branches of the tree. With the tree already top heavy from Ivan's added bulk, Jaq's flying feline frenzy caused the tree to topple and fall against the dining table. Over 20 ornaments were killed instantly. At least 11 more were humanely euthanized.

Amazingly, this was the first time in six years that I personally had little or no part in the annual demise of the Christmas tree thingy.

However, I am not worried.

When the two leggers awaken and see the carnage, I'm sure I'll still get the credit.


  1. LOLOL!! 'The most incredibly stimulating cat toy/scratching post on Earth' is now history Cujo??
    Of Course you get the credit!! Kudos Sir!!

  2. Seriously dude, you had no part in it? We thinks we sees your mastermind at work, MOL.

    Did the strings of lights come off too? We've learned if we launch ourselves from the central branches those things can be stripped right off the scratching post! MOL

    Sasha, Sami, & Saku

  3. Hi Cujo!

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    Happy Holidays!
    Tammy Sexton
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  4. We cannot believe that the incident itself did not cause them to awaken and discover your carnage immediately. Sometimes snoopervison can be just as satisfying as pawticipation as you can watch it all enfold. Skooter (the human's first cat) is the only one who actually had the honor of conquering the tree. He pulled it down by putting his head through a strand of lights. None of us were alive then and missed the entire thing. When angel Mac was a kitten he did some tree climbing, but managed to leave the tree standing. We NEVER have any fun. Glad we have your blog to read to give us the vicarious experience. Purrs and hugs, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Jo

  5. We had a small table size tree thingie this year with plentiful duck tape and guy wires to prevent our application of appreciation. Always next year