Rhapsody in Orange

Okay, you may all rest easy.

Hurricane Cujo has passed.

I am no longer stalking around my kingdom, looking for trouble, causing hate and discontent, smacking all in my path, inflicting massive amounts of damage simply because I am angry for no apparent reason.

Now, I am stalking around my kingdom, looking for trouble, causing hate and discontent, smacking all in my path, inflicting massive amounts of damage simply because it amuses me.

Yes, I am in a much better mood now.

I do not profess to know what put me in such a foul mood last week, but I do know what cheered me up.

In a word, Ivan.

Even though I often mock Ivan (I can't help myself, he is SO mockworthy), Ivan does have a few admirable qualities. Among his admirable attributes is his ability to cheer me up when I am feeling surly. I do not deceive myself. He does not attempt to amuse me out of any sense of magnanimity, I believe he does it out of a sense of self-preservation. Ivan may not know much, in fact, the things that Ivan does know would make a fortune cookie look like a novel by Victor Hugo, but he does know that as long as I am in a tizzy, none shall sleep easy. Sleeping easy is Ivan's favorite hobby and therefore it is to his benefit to ensure that I stay happily amused.

Yesterday, Ivan took it upon himself to cheer me up.

He began by attempting to engage me in a game of Peek-A-Boop. As I stalked up and down the hallway, Ivan would suddenly appear from some doorway, nook or cranny and lightly "boop" me on my nose thingy. He would then crook his tail and run away giggling maniacally. This did not amuse me, but it did cause me to ponder.

After much thought, I concluded that there is not enough room in the Royal Litter to successfully conceal his body. However, the closet at the end of the hallway may provide a suitable temporary storage space until I can permanently hide his remains.

Ivan then tried to make me smile by making goofy faces. First he scrunched his face like he was trying to soil himself, stuck out his tongue and made a "Thhhhpppppppttttttttttttcccchhh" sound.

I was moistened, but remained unamused.

Perhaps under the bed in the guest bedroom would be a suitable final resting place for a large, stinky orange tabby that made one poor decision too many.

It was at this point that Ivan looked into my eyes and realized that I was plotting his immediate demise. Realizing that he had but moments to enjoy the remainder of his short life, Ivan panicked and bolted to the bathroom.

Once in a great while, the wheels of fate turn, the star thingies align, Karma wakes up and everything goes my way. In the moment of Ivan's mad dash for his life, just such an occurrence .....well,... ...occurred.

At the same instant that Ivan bolted through the bathroom doorway, the male two legger was blindly attempting to exit the shower after having gotten shampoo in his eyes. Groping about for a towel, looking like a zombie foaming at the head, he stepped out and instead of feeling a soft warm bathmat beneath his feet, he was upended by a terrified cannonball of fur and claws. Grabbing for anything that may restore his sight, the male mistakenly grabbed Tiger Lily from where she was perched on the vanity and attempted to wipe his face with a startled, whiny gray tabby. In the confusion, Tiger Lily bit the hand that feeds her resulting in her being accidentally dropped in the bathtub that was in the midst of being drained.

The female two legger who is uncannily drawn to the sound of screaming, sqwalling, hissing and cursing, arrived in record time to find her mate rubbing furiously at his eyes, a soaking wet gray tabby desperately trying to scramble up the shower curtain and a large, orange, quivering ball of fur attempting to hide behind the toilet. With one glance she concluded that the male was obviously at fault and berated him at length.

Once again, Ivan has succeeded in his mission.

I am amused.