Friday, August 16, 2013

A Walk in The Pork

During the the annual week of Summer, a veritable menagerie parades through my yard on a daily basis.

From my windows, I observe deer thingies, bird thingies, goat thingies, stray felines, the occasional muttbeast, bunnies, moles and even a suspected Smurf.

Okay, that last one may have been due to some questionable catnip from New Zealand, but whatever it was, it was blue, about one tailspan tall, annoyingly cheerful and it may or may not have been wearing white overalls.

In retrospect, it may actually have been a squirrel choking on a nut.

I can only hope.

Anyway, today I added yet another critter to the list.

This morning as I sat in the kitchen window, counting the ways that I could slay and devour the big fat robin that was bathing in my pond, I became aware that Ivan was trying to gain my attention. I knew he was trying to gain my attention because he was tapping me on the back, with a pained look on his misshapen little face and saying "Ummmmm Boss? Ummmmmm Boss? Boss? Boss? Hey Boss? Errrrrrr Boss?"

Having given the big fat robin a proper tongue lashing and questioning its parentage, I turned to Ivan and said "WHAT???"

Ivan poofed and scampered into the livingroom in a very "come hither" manner.

Both bored and intrigued, but mostly bored, but slightly intrigued, yet mostly bored, I left the big fat robin to his ablutions and followed. I found Ivan in the bay window, his stubby little tail twitching. His ample haunches quivering like bowls of stinky orange Jello. From my position on the floor, I could not see what had put Ivan in a such a tizzy, however I could hear a strange sound coming through the open window.


Having witnessed the two leggers leaving for work this morning, I knew that though it sounded similar, the male two legger was not sleeping in my front yard.

Jumping up to the bay window, I beheld a sight the likes of which I had never beheld before.

Walking through the flowerbeds that line my front deck was a large, dirty, mostly hairless, pink, snub-nosed creature. What little hair it had was not blonde, so I ruled out the possibility that Britney Spears had come to visit. The creature was roughly the same height as a goat thingy, but was very Ivanesque in build. Short, stubby little legs, large, blubbery body and a short little tail. The tail was not stubby, but thin and twisted as though it had unintentionally slept on it. It moved through the flowerbed, pushing dirt around with ts flat round nose making that odd snoring sound. 

Immediately upon sniffing the air coming in through the window I was assailed by a stench like nothing I had ever experienced. Well, at least nothing since the morning after Ivan consumed a burrito that the two leggers carelessly left on the top of the stove.

At this point, Tiger Lily had joined me in the window and seemed unimpressed. Figuring she may have seen one before, I asked her if she knew what it was.

"Pig." she said.

That was uncalled for, so I called her a "doo-doo head" and smacked her across the room.

Hey, she started it.

To Be Continued.....


  1. Too funny Cujo! You have a mere 'Annual Week of Summer'? How unfortunate! I hope your 'To be Continued' story has a happy ending!! *Salute*

  2. Wow, we can't wait to read Part 2. Piggies once lived across the street from the humans. None of us were born yet. They say that they were really, really stinky. They're illegal in the city, and the neighbors had to take the piggies to court. They went bye-bye. We have a stinky neighborhood again, though. Now we have skunks all over our entire valley. They spray our bushes all the time. P.U. Stay safe in the house. Purrs and hugs, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Guilietta, Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Jo

  3. At least she didn't call you S-WHINE.

  4. OMC a pig?

    She called you a pig? Wouldn't that be Ivan?

    We can hardly wait for part 2!

    Sasha, Sami, & Saku

  5. MOL! Wow, you got to see what raw bacon looks like.

  6. Pig...seriously??!? We've never seen one of those before.

  7. LOL! Was it really a pig or was she truly calling you names? Can't wait for part 2!