Friday, February 8, 2013

Wetted Bliss

Ivan has a dirty little secret.

Well, Ivan has a lot of dirty little secrets.

Okay, Ivan's dirty little secrets aren't nearly as secret as they were before I started my blog thingy, but a few still remain secret.

After tonight, he'll have one fewer.

Ivan wets the bed.

No, he is not incontinent. He was not abused by his mother. He doesn't have "Daddy issues". He does not have mental issues.

Allow me to rephrase that: This is not one of his mental issues.

Ivan wets the bed because it amuses him. I shall explain:

Every night around 10:30, the female two legger takes her bath. During the bath taking portion of the evening, Ivan lolls on the heated floor of the bathroom like a large stinky bathmat. He appears to be enjoying the radiant heat of the floor, but he is in all actuality simply biding his time. Once the female pulls the plug allowing the water to drain from the tub thingy, Ivan mounts the side of the tub thingy and watches the water level drop. Once the water reaches a level he deems acceptable, approximately .5 inches (64 sillimeters for those of you in other countries with your funky metric system), Ivan jumps into the tub thingy and begins dancing around in a comical manner. He shakes each paw repeatedly as though surprised that his paws are soaked even though he has experienced this sensation at least once a night for the past four years.

After 30 seconds of shaking and bouncing, Ivan remembers that he is a cat and therefore detests water. He leaps out of the tub thingy with a trill and bolts from the bathroom. Upon exiting the bathroom, Ivan spots the two legger's bed. Now we all know that Ivan is no mental giant. In fact, mental midgets are forced to watch where they step lest they trod upon him, but like all felines, Ivan is aware that there is no better way to dry wet paws than upon 800 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets.

Cujo Fun Fact # 271- The paws of a cat can absorb up to 46 times their body weight in water.

While the female unknowingly finishes her nightly bathroom rituals, Ivan manages to get every last bit of moisture transferred from his paws to the bed linens.

Little wet paw prints now adorn the bed, pillows and comforter. Given the fact that the lights have been dimmed prior to bath time, the female two legger usually fails to notice that the bed has now become a mire of mattress moisture. Laying down, she suddenly shrieks, leaps from the bed and chases him from the bedchamber.

Ironically, in her anger, she sprays him with the water squirty thingy thereby wetting him once again.

It is a vicious circle.

But in my experience, the best circles are the vicious ones.


  1. I love Ivan's game! So imaginative! He deserves a medal.

  2. I thought you meant the other kind of bed wetting.

  3. Particularly vicious circles with teeth.

  4. I found this particularly amusing, Cujo, Sir: "Cujo Fun Fact # 271- The paws of a cat can absorb up to 46 times their body weight in water."
    I am now educated; who knew? :D